Here are the new Giants All-Star and holiday caps, jerseys

My mother said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." She also said, "If you aren't wearing pink-themed hats to celebrate me on Mother's Day, you probably don't love me." Both pieces of advice are welcome as we look at the new hats and uniforms the Giants will don for special occasions and holidays this year.

Mother's Day

Memorial Day

This year's uniforms utilize a new woodland camouflage design licensed by the US Marine Corps.

Father's Day

"No, no. It's more of a Royal blue."

Independence Day

All-Star Game

(The jersey will be the regular team jersey, but with All-Star patches and these two little stars at the top of the back that make the MLB logo look like a tattoo you would get at Coachella.)

Home Run Derby, All-Star Workout

And there you have it, completely normal special-event jerseys and caps that you can't possibly have a problem with.

Ok, no, that is a font felony. You know the Padres paid some poor fool $4.00 an hour to come with that scheme in the '70s, right? It was the '70s. No one cared about baseball. They slapped that together on a Friday afternoon because they had to, and we're paying for it now, 40 years later. Even if you acknowledge that Giants fans have no room to criticize the Padres' brown and yellow -- we're responsible for 46 percent of the world's orange, after all -- the lower-case, ramshackle kitsch font is a mess.

Just because Black Sabbath was good enough to remember doesn't mean that we need to celebrate Captain & Tennille. And just because the Padres' retro uniforms are pretty neat, that doesn't mean we have to bring back ... that.

Whatever. Spend some money and get some of these new hats and jerseys. You know you want to.

Actually, the more I look at that Padres-themed hat ...