Which Giants-themed Ken doll are you?

Yesterday, Susan Slusser tweeted a blow by blow of certain San Francisco Giants boarding the team flight wearing costumes worn by Ryan Gosling’s Ken in the hit motion picture Barbie, which culminated in this photo:

Pictured, left to right: Luis Matos as Venice Beach Ken, Patrick Bailey as Barbie Pajamas Ken, Blake Sabol as Mojo Dojo Casa House Ken, Keaton Winn as Mechanic Ken, and Ryan Walker as Cowboy Ken.

Here’s how it all went down:

And after a rough month and a half it’s good to see Camilo Doval not blow it recording this moment for his Instagram.

Was this the most exciting thing the Giants did all weekend? Yes. Absolutely. Was it something the team did to make themselves feel less bad about their terrible performance against the Rockies, as Steven suggests in his recap? Makes sense. Laugh to not cry.

If you’re still hanging around consuming Giants-related media, even though they are clearly a dead team walking and there’s nothing else to learn about this year’s team, then you’re probably trying to laugh to not cry, too; in which case, which Ken costume would you wear that best covers your emotions?

Venice Beach (or rollerblading Ken)

This costume is loud and out of place, sort of like Luis Matos’s bat, since he can hit the ball far better than his teammates. Is your enthusiasm for the Giants still loud and proud, setting you apart from the maddening crowd? And will the neon colors distract people from seeing your red and wet face as you watch lose emotional control while watching them play?

Barbie Pajamas Ken

Just a solid supporter of the brand, like Patrick Bailey’s superlative defense capably backing up the Giants’ pitching and the part of the franchise’s brand where we wondered who would follow in Buster Posey’s footsteps? Even though Bailey hasn’t done that with the bat, he’s in the baseball player category of “Nobody could ever replicate great player X, but player Y is a wonderful consolation.” You’re not red-faced and crying like the Ken above, but you’re pretty sad and you just want to stay in your pajamas all day because of the Giants.

Mojo Dojo Casa House Ken

Everything’s amazing because you thought of it! Blake Sabol as this Ken is perfect. Yes, there are nice, projectable parts of Sabol’s game, just like there are nice, projectable parts of the Giants’ roster, but it hasn’t all come together this year — but who’s thinking about this year? Or even next? Just look at me flex! Look at all the ideas I have! Look upon my work!

Except, if you’ve seen the movie, then you know that this is the biggest cover of them all. Mojo Dojo Casa House Ken is the result of bringing patriarchy to Barbieland. He just wanted to do whatever he wanted and ride horses, but having power requires so much more. If you’re this Ken, then you’re the Ken still trying to project that The Churn is a viable model for a franchise trying to be in the playoffs every season. There are no bad ideas except those that factor in outcomes.

Mechanic Ken

I’m calling Keaton Winn’s costume “Mechanic Ken” because in the movie he’s wearing this when the Barbies trick him with the Can’t Hardly Wait move, where he thinks he’s discovered a beautiful woman just by taking off her glasses. BUT! This is also the fit he’s wearing when he shouts, “SUBLIME.” which is the best-delivered line in the movie. I don’t know what Keaton Winn’s hiding behind. He’s not the problem. And, as the Ken in this costume demonstrates, he’s his most naked and vulnerable and even truthful; therefore, I declare that this is the most honest Ken costume a Giants fan could choose to copy to deflect their casuals from asking them, “So, what happened to the Giants this year?”

Cowboy Ken

This is the “normal” costume Ken wears after he and Barbie get out of jail the first time and it’s the one he’s wearing when he learns the non-Barbie world is run by the patriarchy. He also really just likes horses. Ryan Walker, a new dad, is literally a patriarch now, so this fit is fitting; but, this is a great costume for those fans who are leaving the Mojo Dojo Casa House because you’re starting to learn that the world you knew isn’t the only world out there — it’s possibly to build a team that doesn’t suck.

This little bit of fun omits a few other Kens, but you’ll just have to see the movie to find out.

And because this wasn’t the “official” rookie dress up/hazing we could consider which Ken other players on the roster could be. The battle for the Pastel Beach Outfit Injured Ken between Mitch Haniger and Michael Conforto, for instance, would be intense!

There’s also Allan, Ken’s Buddy, played in the movie by Michael Cera. The selling point for the original toy was that he wore all of Ken’s clothes! Ignoring for the moment that Allan is queer-coded, I just think it’s funny to consider which pair of Giants could share clothes. I mean besides Taylor and Tyler Rogers, obviously. That’s not very funny.

Joc Pederson (6’1”, 220 lbs) and Brandon Crawford (6’1”, 223 lbs)? Eh. Not that funny. (LaMonte Wade Jr. 6’1”, 205 lbs) and Austin Slater (6’1”, 204 lbs)? Ah. There it is.

Since the rookie dress up still looms, here’s hoping there’s something else up Brandon Crawford’s sleeve for the final flight next Sunday in LA (since I assume he’s the one calling the shots). Hopefully, he follows the theme of the summer and we get rookies dressed up in various costumes from the hit motion picture Oppenheimer.

But before you start thinking about which one of the rookies should be Naked Oppenheimer in a Chair —

— think about which Ken doll you want to be right now instead of thinking about the Giants.