FULL DISCLOSURE: I don’t want to recap this baseball game because it was not an enjoyable baseball game and I didn’t ask to be born. So please keep that in mind when reading this article, and if it’s not my best work and that bothers you, send all complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The San Francisco Giants game on Wednesday night was bad all the way through, just as their previous three games were bad all the way through. The only difference is that on Wednesday, against the Milwaukee Brewers, the Giants briefly gave the illusion of maybe being able to keep the game from being bad.
It was brief, though. And even when the Giants gave that illusion, it was only in the form of tying the game, not taking the lead.
They haven’t had a lead in a baseball game since Saturday. 36 straight innings of being either tied or losing.
Now that’s more like the team we anticipated getting to root for this year.
Also, Saturday was a long time ago. Like, at least three years ago.
Anyway, the Giants fell behind 2-0 after Kevin Gausman allowed a 2-run second inning, giving the Brewers a head start towards a series win. But the Giants fought back. Resilient SF, as the awful and annoying hashtag goes.
They struck in the fifth inning, when Alex Dickerson entered the game as a pinch-hitter and sprayed an opposite-field double, only to score on an opposite-field double (to the opposite side of the field as Dickerson’s opposite-field double) by Kris Bryant.
The Brewers then intentionally walked Brandon Belt to get to Buster Posey, which ... look, I’m a big fan of analytics and letting the math dictate most baseball decisions, but if a computer asked me to intentionally walk someone so I could face Buster Posey I would simply “accidentally” spill my coffee on that computer and then ask my company to buy me a new computer. And a new coffee, because I just spilled mine.
Anyway, the Brewers plan worked. For the Giants, I should specify.
And then the seventh inning came around. And I’m here to tell you that the seventh inning was awful.
Dominic Leone started things innocently enough, getting two quick outs to make all look groovy. Then he walked Lorenzo Cain, and then had the audacity to give up a ... uhh ... putt down the right side of the infield that occupied that strange zone where both pitcher and first baseman think it’s theirs, and by the time Leone realized it wasn’t his, and he needed to cover first, Brandon Belt knew he had to rush the throw, and subsequently threw it a little too far for Leone, who dove for style points but not efficacy points, thus putting dirt on his jersey and runners at the corners and good lord Brady learn to use a period or at least a semi-colon from time to time, man.
Anyway, Leone was replaced by José Álvarez, who promptly gave up a single that put the Brewers back on top 3-2.
And then Álvarez gave up a walk on a call that will leave you writing a sticky note for yourself, reminding future you to call your broker and have them transfer all of your retirement fund money into shares of whatever company builds robo umps.
This pitch apparently missed the strike zone pic.twitter.com/rxl9tOdJoG— SF Giants on NBCS (@NBCSGiants) September 2, 2021
The missed call meant nothing, as Álvarez would get out of the inning without allowing any more damage, but I don’t care. I’m angry. I’m angry about the Giants, and I’m angry about the Dodgers, and I’m angry about other things, and so I’m gonna lean into it and be angry about this, too.
The eighth inning was awful. Awful like those gag jelly beans that look like they’re tasty, activate your salivary glands in anticipation of some delightful sour fruit flavor, and then punch you in the tongue with cat vomit flavor.
LaMonte Wade Jr., hitting with one out and the bases empty in a one-run game, launched one. Absolutely launched one. Hit one so high and far that Jeff Bezos paid eight figures to sit on the baseball instead of paying his workers livable wages.
You know where I’m going with this. Wade hit a ball that, according to Statcast, would have been a home run in 29 of MLB’s 30 baseball parks.
I will Venmo three cents to the first person who can guess which park is the one out of 30 (Disclosure: I am doing this out of the goodness of my heart. Vox Media does not have a sponsorship with Venmo, and I am not being compensated for generously doling out such an exorbitant sum of money).
It ended up a double instead, and the Giants predictably stranded Wade at second base, content to take a one-run deficit into the ninth inning.
And from there, things crumbled further.
John Brebbia, making his return to the Giants bullpen, gave up a leadoff home run to Cain, then another run for good measure, though he was aided by the Giants third error of the evening.
And with that, the Giants lost 5-2 which, when coupled with the Los Angeles Dodgers victory, put San Francisco in second place in the division, trailing LA by half a game.
It’s still a great place to be. It just tastes like poop-flavored pudding tonight.