clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Giants hit so many freaking home runs

Five, specifically.

Arizona Diamondbacks v San Francisco Giants Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images

Thank you for spending your Wednesday night dining at the San Francisco Giants new critically-acclaimed restaurant, Dinger Delight.

My name is Brady and I’ll be your host for the evening as we walk through this five-course home run meal of expertly-crafted locale fare.

Our amuse-bouche tonight is the Giants giving up two first-inning runs to the Arizona Diamondbacks. This small bite should leave a delightfully bitter taste in your mouth, which adjusts your palate and sets you up for the rest of the meal.

Our first course is an hors d’oeuvre, which we call Buster Posey. The rustic notes are meant to evoke a feeling of sentimentality; in every bite you should be able to taste a happy moment from your past.

If you’ve had a tough day and feel like you’ve been losing, this course will leave you feeling like you’re in the lead. But we just give you a little, because there are four courses left to come.

For our salad we present a dish called Steven Duggar. This course is meant to highlight the simple greens that we so often overlook in our day to day life. It’s meant to remind us that something we spent years thinking was not special might, indeed, be special.

The vinaigrette goes in the opposite direction of what you expected — and what you had the night before — but that just adds to the allure.

Our soup, served mere minutes after you finish eating your salad, is a dish we like to refer to as LaMonte Wade Jr. It’s flavors are meant to mirror what you experienced with the second course. The flavors are satisfyingly intense, and we think you’ll have a hard time imagining parting ways with this soup in the future, even when other good soups become available.

Now we move on to the fourth course, the entree. We’ve dubbed this dish the Wilmer Flores, and the beauty of it is the presentation. We eat with our eyes first, and we think you’ll just sit there admiring this beauty with wide eyes and splendor.

Our fifth and final course is, predictably, dessert, and this special dish is one that we like to call Brandon Belt. It’s a no-nonsense dessert, unlike some of those trendy dishes you might find at overpriced hipster establishments or on TikTok. It’s sharp, simplistic, and to the point. That’s the beauty of it. The ingredients shine, and when your plate is empty you find yourself happy that you went through that experience.

It’s a sharp dessert. This is your fifth course, after all. You don’t need something rich and luxurious. You don’t even need a fifth course, for that matter. It’s a luxury, But you want one, and you want one that cuts through the richness as easily as if it were air.

Anyway, the Giants hit five home runs at home for the first time since 2003, which allowed a disastrous Conner Menez relief relief appearance to be an anecdote rather than an annoyance, won 13-7, increased their lead in the NL West, increased the Diamondbacks losing streak to 12, and I’m hungry.