Pick a verb like “destroy” or “annihilate” or “mollywhop.” Punch it into a thesaurus and admire all the pretty words that come out. Pick your word of choice; there’s no right answer, just take the word that looks prettiest to you.
Make it past tense and plug it into the following sentence: “Giants [INSERT YOUR VERB HERE] Rockies.”
There it is, that’s your custom headline for the San Francisco Giants 23-5 victory over the Colorado Rockies on Tuesday night at Coors Field.
I’m going to let you in on a dirty little industry secret. Hilariously lopsided wins are lots of fun to watch, but not that interesting to write about. A back-and-forth affair, or a wild comeback, or a 17-inning fiasco? They make for good literature.
But 23-5 wins? Where the team you like looks deserving of comic books written in their honor, and their opponent looks like when you accidentally step on a McDonalds ketchup packet on the sidewalk?
Not the stuff that poets and great American novelists were built for.
So instead of trying to recap a game in traditional fashion (which would look like this: “LOL ROCKIES”), I’m just going to do two things.
Thing the first: some cool stuff the team did
In which I list some really cool thing that the Giants did during their shellacking.
- They had 27 hits. If you’re new to baseball (hi, hello, grab a seat, pour yourself some lemonade, introduce yourself, and oh yeah, don’t expect to see another game like this for a few decades), that’s the same number of outs that a team is allotted.
It’s a very nice day when a player has as many hits as they have outs recorded. It something else entirely when a team accomplishes such a ridiculous feat.
- They became the first team in MLB history — I repeat, in MLB history (or at least since these things were well tracked starting in 1920) — to have three different players have six runs batted in.
Alex Dickerson, Donovan Solano and Brandon Crawford of the @SFGiants are the first trio of teammates to have 6+ RBI in the same game since RBI became an official stat in 1920.#SFGiants— Stats By STATS (@StatsBySTATS) September 2, 2020
- They knocked the Rockies starting pitcher, Jon Gray, out of the game before the Rockies had a hit.
- Their sheer boredom in the ninth inning kept them from becoming the first team in 21 years to score in every inning of a nine-inning game.
- They entered the game with a -19 run differential. At one point they had not only erased that entire negative differential, but turned it into a +2 differential. It ended the game at -1.
- They tied the franchise record for runs in a game since moving to San Francisco.
- They had 27 hits. And 23 runs. Not sure if I mentioned that yet.
Thing the second: some cool stuff the players did
In which I list some cool things Giants players did.
- Alex Dickerson had one of the greatest games in MLB history. He went 5-6 with 3 home runs, 2 doubles, and a walk, which tied him with Willie Mays for the most total bases by a Giant in franchise history. Yes, he did something offensively that Barry Bonds never did.
He raised his slash line from .221/.299/.395 to .261/.337/.543 in one game. He raised his wRC+ from 87 to 127 in his 31st game of the year. He turned a disappointing individual season into a really good one in one night.
May we all be so fortunate.
He also hit a home run 480 feet.
Dick sends it to the upper deck pic.twitter.com/kBkoBgRCWG— SF Giants on NBCS (@NBCSGiants) September 2, 2020
Dickerson. 2 ABs. 2 HRs. pic.twitter.com/u2IBL1fN4p— SF Giants on NBCS (@NBCSGiants) September 2, 2020
THREE HRS FOR DICK pic.twitter.com/Zj2YpzMB81— SF Giants on NBCS (@NBCSGiants) September 2, 2020
He became just the 15th player in MLB history with 5 extra-base hits in a game.
- Mike Yastrzemski was 2-4 with a triple and a walk, and even with the outcome mostly secured he laid his body on the line for a gorgeous catch.
Not just Yaz. Super Yaz.— SFGiants (@SFGiants) September 2, 2020
@mikeyaz18 | #SFGiants pic.twitter.com/ZgxMcvKMec
- Brandon Crawford was 3-6 with a home run and a double, and is now having the best offensive season of his career.
- Joey Bart had the first multi-hit game of his career, with a trio of singles. He also got plunked by a pitch, and I really wish people would stop doing that to him.
- I’m running out of words for Brandon Belt, who was 3-3 with a walk and 2 doubles. In the last two-plus weeks he’s now hitting 24-47 with 4 home runs, 7 doubles, 1 triple, and 8 walks to just 6 strikeouts. What in the world.
- Pablo Sandoval had an infield single.
- Daniel Robertson made his Giants debut and had a hard hit single.
- The Giants used 13 position players. 12 of them reached base safely and 11 of them had a hit, including all nine starters.
Oh, and they won. 23-5. With 27 hits.
Prepare to get no-hit on Wednesday.