Rockies exhibit no clothing competency, beat Giants anyway

The Colorado Rockies beat the San Francisco Giants 6-4 on Thursday. I lead with this boring detail so that I can scratch it off my literary to-do list, and get to talking about much more interesting things: clothes.

If you put aside the whole ability to play baseball thing (and I highly recommend that you do), the Rockies made fools of themselves on Thursday. Really embarrassing stuff. It was a clothing debacle the likes of which I haven’t seen since 1997, when my mom called me down from me room saying it was late and we needed to hurry, and I jumped down the steps wearing my Mickey Mouse undies on my head and my legs stuffed through a turtleneck.

The tomfoolery started in the seventh inning, when Rockies starting pitcher Kyle Freeland took the mound, then decided, “No, wait, I shouldn’t do this,” and headed to the dugout. Why? Well, his belt snapped. Just straight up broke, and he needed a new one, because baseball is silly and requires belts. Who wants to do sports in belts? I do not want to do sports in belts. Never have, never will.

But the silliness didn’t end there. Yency Almonte ran in from the Rockies bullpen, thinking he was called to the mound. He wasn’t, and so, with copious amounts of egg on his face he returned to the relievers co-op, and patiently waited his turn.

Freeland returned to the mound with a new belt, but the new belt did not have the old belt mojo, and he promptly rewarded Almonte with his chance to pitch.

Perhaps in an effort to make Freeland not look so foolish, the Rockies doubled down on their quest to mess up the simple act of getting dressed.

The eighth inning came around, and with it reliever Jairo Díaz, who was wearing the jersey of catcher Elias Díaz.

Apparently the Rockies did not put “can distinguish between two people with the same surname” on the list of qualifications when they posted the clubhouse manager job listing.

Elias Díaz, for what it’s worth, has not yet appeared in a game this season, so perhaps that counts as his season debut.

Anyway, in summation, the Rockies are nincompoops who struggle to dress themselves properly. You should make fun of them until they feel bad about it, at which point you should feel mildly (but only mildly) guilty.

As for the baseball? Well, it wasn’t that good, folks. Not for the Giants, at least.

For a while it looked like it would be good. After Freeland procured some fresh leather for his waist, the Giants put together a two-out rally, with singles by Pablo Sandoval and Chadwick Tromp.

And then came my personal favorite thing in baseball, so long as it doesn’t happen to the Giants. Rockies manager Bud Black came out to the mound. Freeland had thrown 96 pitches, was in a jam, and didn’t know how to keep a belt on. It was a foregone conclusion that he was coming out of the game.

But he had recently finished reading Negotiating for Dummies, and convinced the skipper to let him stay in the game. He threw one more pitch.

I’m not an evil man. I don’t enjoy watching other people fail.

But I’m sorry, it is objectively hilarious when a player convinces his manager that, against all evidence otherwise, he’s totally good to keep pitching, and then does that. It’s like when you talk your way out of a speeding ticket because you’ve “never done that before” and then get caught by the same highway patrol the next day. Not that I’ve ever done that...

Anyway, the home run by Mauricio Dubón gave the Giants a 3-1 lead, and had you feeling good about life. Dubón has been struggling, but he had a great game, going 2-4 with a home run, 3 RBI, and a highlight play in centerfield.

I love Dubón. I’m not shy about this fact. I don’t try to hide it. The dude smiles the kind of smile that makes you think he’d be happy watching a caterpillar for two hours while eating pretzels, and he was a Giants fan long before his professional baseball journey began.

So it makes me sad when the most lovable trait about him — his unending joy — serves as the catalyst for a reminder that baseball is the stupidest invention in modern history.

Imagine being that grumpy. Couldn’t be me.

The Giants promptly gave those runs back (as you can see in the screengrab), and then some. The Rockies put up a 5-spot in the bottom half of the inning, and even though the Giants got one back in the eighth, the damage was done.

It was a wasted start by Tyler Anderson, who was phenomenal: 5.0 innings, 2 hits, 2 walks, 3 strikeouts, 0 runs. It was a wasted 3-hit day by Donovan Solano, who had a pair of doubles.

The Giants had the tying run on base in the eighth, and at the plate in the ninth. But it wasn’t quite enough.

But at least they know how to put on their damn clothes.