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Want to go to a Giants game, but as a cutout? Say no more ...

Have we got good news for you.

Fans scrum for the home run ball of Pablo Sandoval of the San Francisco Giants in the centerfield bleachers in the first inning of Game 1 of the 2012 World Series against the Detroit Tigers on Wednesday Oct. 24, 2012 in San Francisco. (Karl Mondon/Staff) Photo by MediaNews Group/Bay Area News via Getty Images

The San Francisco Giants will have 30 home games this season. They’ll have 30 beautiful days of baseball inside a flawlessly-designed ballpark, perfect for the faithful fans to feast their eyes on.

The cardboard* fans, that is.

* not actually cardboard

As you’re likely well aware, the coronavirus pandemic is keeping fans from being able to attend MLB games this year. But the Giants found a loophole in the law: Fans are still legally allowed, just as long as they’re not living, breathing fans. Aha!

And so the Giants are doing what every lonely person trying to pretend they have lots of friends has done at their birthday: They’re calling in the cardboard**.

* undisclosed weatherproof material

The team announced on Thursday the implementation of the “Giants Fan Cutout Program,” in which they’ll place weatherproof cutouts of fans in the stands for the team’s 30 home games. They’ll be so realistic that you can almost hear them bickering when Brandon Belt strikes out looking on a pitch two inches outside.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, the cutouts are free to season ticket holders who have chosen to roll their funds over into the 2021 season (season ticket holders were also informed that there would not be a rise in prices for next year). Cutouts will be placed as close as possible to the ticket holder’s seat.

But even if you’re not a season-ticket holder, you can buy a cutout for just $99. That’s 30 games for $99! What a steal. Bring the whole family for half a G! Food and drinks not included.

If you think that a cutout is a cheap replacement for actually attending games, then you clearly haven’t thought it through. Consider some of the benefits:

  1. Unless you inherited your couch from your great-great-grandparents, your derrière will be more comfortable at home than on one of those green plastic dinguses at the ballpark.
  2. When you spend $15 on beer you get eight beers instead of one.
  3. After drinking eight beers you won’t even care that the Giants are getting their asses kicked.
  4. You can post a selfie of your cutout on social media and find out who your real friends are by seeing who can identify that that’s an imposter and not the real you.
  5. You can be making a funny face in your cutout and you don’t even have to have your face muscles cramp from holding it for three hours.
  6. When, in 2065, people ask when the crazy year from hell was, you can say, “Oh, it was 2020. I remember because that was the year I sent a cutout version of myself to 30 Giants games. They only won the World Series because I was there, you know. Wanna see my ring replica?”

The Giants will be sending instructions next week on how to purchase one of these cutouts, and you can bet your butt I want to see selfies from everyone who makes the exceptional life decision to send their face to some Giants games.