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Hypothetical recap: Giants lose a very stupid baseball game

Oh, I’m sorry, were you looking for interesting analysis? You’ll need an interesting game first.

San Francisco Giants v Colorado Rockies Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images

With the MLB season suspended due to the coronavirus outbreak, there are no baseball games and limited baseball news. So I’m creating a hypothetical season — complete with news and recaps — until baseball resumes. All news and recaps will have the hypothetical tag, so you can at least know when you’re suspending reality. And you can click “hypothetical season” above the headline to see everything that has happened in this “season.”

So here’s what happened: The San Francisco Giants lost to the Colorado Rockies. They lost to the Rockies in what can only be described as a Monday game. As in, this game had a serious case of the Mondays.

It dragged on, in a manner that surely made Rob Manfred question whether they should even play baseball at all. “Can we just disband the sport entirely?” sources say he asked his assistant. Upon hearing that he could not disband the sport, he inquired about moving towards one-inning games.

Eventually, Rob. Eventually.

Anyway, this game just went on and on and on, and not because the teams were locked in an extra innings affair, or even swapping home runs like trading cards. No, it just . . . went on. For no clear reason at all.

That’s bad enough as is, but it’s extra bad when it’s accompanied by the Giants losing. That takes away the only potential bright spot, meaning that the lone silver lining of the game was that it perfectly and poetically mirrored your own Monday vibes.

So anyway, here’s what happened: Drew Smyly pitched in a manner that was wholly uninteresting but only partially effective. Jeff Hoffman was even more uninteresting, and equally effective/ineffective.

The Giants made three errors. The Rockies made two errors.

There were three bunts. There were two infield singles. The Giants turned a double play too slowly and accidentally turned it into a single play.

Gabe Kapler got thrown out arguing a strike three call on Brandon Belt, which, okay, might actually be an awesome thing, we can keep that as a positive but next time trying getting ejected more quickly, Gabe. A little congeniality, please.

Alex Dickerson lost a ball and had it sail over his head.

Nolan Arenado broke his bat twice in one at-bat.

Brandon Crawford looked grumpy, the same way you look when you’ve been thinking about your morning bowl of cereal all through your morning shower and then you find out the milk has gone bad.

Trevor Story had his gum fall out of his mouth mid chew, and he instinctively caught it with his glove and then had a hard time getting it out of his glove.

An umpire didn’t get out of the way in time and got hit on the calf by a line drive.

That umpire was Joe West though, so, you know, be sad about something else.

There were at least five egregiously poor ball/strike calls.

Garret Hampson was retired on a triple when he slid into third base so aggressively and recklessly that he want right past the bag and ended up taking a nap in the grass about five feet away. He didn’t even try to get back to the bag. He knew. He knew.

There were only eight strikeouts combined, yet no one looked competent on either side. It looked like an A-ball game on the first day of the year when no one is ready yet.

The entire game — the entire stadium — had a case of the Mondays.

The Rockies won. The Giants lost. They’re now 18-23.