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Guy’s Grocery Games: Live blog/play-by-play/recap

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Jeremy Affeldt and Rich Aurilia, come on down!

Food Network

It’s the sporting event you’ve all been waiting for: Guy’s Grocery Games — hosted by legendary (legendary, I tell you!) Northern California restaurateur and San Francisco Giants fan Guy Fieri — is giving us the baseball action we’re all craving.

Culinary baseball action. Hell yes.

Tonight, at 6 9p.m. PT, it’s an all-new episode of Food Network’s Guy’s Grocery Games, aptly titled Big League Teams.

It pits three former MLB players against each other in culinary competitions. Those three? Brian Fuentes, along with former Giants Rich Aurilia and Jeremy Affeldt.

For Affeldt’s sake, I hope no frozen burgers are involved.

Just look at these dudes!

Food Network
Food Network

Way to go, guys.

Aurilia has a distinct advantage, having already competed on GGG a few years ago. Doug wrote about it then, and I’m laughing reading it.

Anyway, I’m going to live blog this, publishing every few minutes with updates, commentary, snide remarks, and any other manner of play-by-play silliness.

Go Giants! Or something.

6:07 UPDATE: Turns out this is happening at 9 p.m. PT.

9:01: Okay now we’ve got it. It only took one minute to get a sexual baseball pun, when they teased a judge saying “this dish could get to second base with me.”

9:02: If Rich Aurilia frosted his tips, he would be Guy Fieri.

9:04: Guy reveals that the baseball players get to draft actual chefs to help them out. That would seem to go against the entire point of the competition, but I’m not Guy Fieri, Ferndale icon.

9:06: Aurilia used the advantage he gained by finding hot dogs to select Eric Greenspan as his chef helper. I’d call this the safe pick. Just 50 future value, but a high floor. Affeldt reveals that he’s wanting to open a brewery, and suddenly he’s an even better Giant.

9:09: Marc Murphy suggests a carb-heavy, cream-heavy pasta dish to Brian Fuentes, while espousing the Michael Scott school of eating creamy pasta before running marathons. I’m dubious. Fuentes may be screwed. Perhaps Murphy is a Giants fan.

9:10: Affeldt admits on numerous occasions that he does not know what poutine is. Good Giant status revoked.

9:12: Brian Fuentes says that his dish is “like a 3-0 pitch down the plate, we’ll hit it out of the park.” Fuentes was a pitcher.

9:14: My heart is racing during the commercial breaks. I’m terrified that frozen burgers await Affeldt on the other side of the ads.

9:17: Affeldt is very open about being about being a good teammate and deferring to his much-better-equipped-for-the-job teammate. Good Giant status returned. I do have questions about their “poutine,” which appears to have tater tots and marinara. Words mean things.

9:19: Affeldt doesn’t know that you’re supposed to cut the leaves of the herbs, rather than the stems. This is a shocking development. Marc Murphy just put a bottle of wine in his pants. No wonder this is on at night.

9:21: “I love bacon,” Affeldt says directly into the camera. A man of the people.

9:24: Affeldt and Maneet Chauhan have made a “poutine” with pasta, marinara, tater tots, and apples. It looks good. It is not poutine. I’m judging them. But I also want to eat the food they have made. I’m torn here.

9:27: The judges are a fan of the poutine, though they agree that it’s not poutine. THANK YOU.

9:28: I’m not convinced that Fuentes actually did any cooking. Mind you, Affeldt and Aurilia didn’t do much, but Fuentes didn’t seem to do any. Typical non-Giants player.

9:29: It would seem as though Aurilia had some of his winery’s finest red before the show, as he called his dish “locker room mac n cheese” because it used stinky cheeses, and added that there was chorizo for a Latin flavor, just like baseball. Lucky for him, his jokes were overshadowed by a judge criticizing his pasta for not being al dente, but “al don’te.” We’ve still got another half hour of this!!

9:34: Guy throws us a curveball! He doesn’t eliminate any team after the first round, but does award Brian Fuentes and Marc Murphy as the Round 1 winners.

9:36: The baseball players are throwing marshmallow pitches to the chefs, who are using baguettes to hit the marshmallows towards special ingredients. I’d watch this for 60 minutes. Affeldt is arguing technicalities, obviously. But he gets special points for saying, “that’s a homer, I’ve given up a ton of those.” There’s the self-effacing reliever we all love.

9:38: Affeldt suggests garlic for his and Chauhan’s peanut chicken dish. Then says he “yes ma’amed” everything. I have a feeling he’s going to win. Those are both good strategies. He’s a strategic man. Aurilia seems happy to be here. Good for him.

9:39: Murphy and Fuentes are going for a corn dog crab cake with caviar. Let’s DFA that idea, dudes.

9:45: We’re three-quarters of the way through, and Affeldt has yet to injure himself. I’d call this a win, which, by the way, Affeldt recorded in Game 7 of the 2014 World Series.

9:46: Aurilia and Greenspan are making a crust for their meat with ground up honey mustard pretzels, so, uhhh . . . . yeah, I’m here for that. Those pretzels are living their best life.

9:48: The Giants have lost their chefs for three minutes, as a disadvantage for not winning Round 1. But they’re Giants. They know how to come back and win the title. Well, except Aurilia, I guess, but umm, ignore me.

9:49: Aurilia got an assist (wrong sport, Brady . . . oh, wait, no, baseball has assists too) from Guy Fieri. Lookalikes look out for each other.

9:50: The teams have different definitions of what makes a ballpark dish “gourmet.” Affeldt and Chauhan seem to think that it means using fresh ingredients, which generally don’t exist at ballparks. Fuentes and Murphy have taken this to mean using front-row seat dollars worth of caviar. Aurilia and Greenspan have mostly just chosen to put as much meat as possible between two slices of bread and hope that the judges forget what’s going on.

9:53: We’re about to find out who wins. I imagine this is something like playing in a World Series. The suspense is killing me.

9:54: It’s worth noting that Aurilia and Fuentes are playing for charities of their choosing, whereas Affeldt is playing for a charity of his founding. That’s a flex. Well done, Jeremy.

9:55: A Freudian slip by Fuentes, who calls the caviar corn dog crab cake “over the top gourmet.” Way to tip your pitches. You playing against the Astros, man?

9:56: One of the judges told Fuentes and Murphy all the things he dislikes about their dish, then says they “really did a great job.” I imagine that’s what the talk on the pitching mound sounds like when a manager removes you in the second inning.

9:57: Affeldt is really into selling his dish. I think we have a new career move for him. Sell it, Jeremy. Do your thing. The judges like his dish. They liked Affeldt’s too. Lots of compliments here. No crying in baseball, apparently.

9:59: Guy Fieri says, “they swung for the fences, who hit a home run?” Aurilia hit 186 home runs in his career, which is 186 more than Fuentes and Affeldt combined. So he seems to have an unfair advantage here.

10:00: Brian Fuentes and Marc Murphy are your winners. Apparently the Giants have done enough winning.

Affeldt is playfully pissed. Aurilia doesn’t seem to care.

Your former Giants, folks. Good Giants.

Thanks for watching reading.