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Hypothetical recap: Why does Nolan Arenado insist on existing?

To punish the Giants, obviously.

Colorado Rockies v San Francisco Giants Photo by Daniel Shirey/Getty Images

With the MLB season suspended due to the coronavirus outbreak, there are no baseball games and limited baseball news. So I’m creating a hypothetical season — complete with news and recaps — until baseball resumes. All news and recaps will have the hypothetical tag, so you can at least know when you’re suspending reality. And you can click “hypothetical season” above the headline to see everything that has happened in this “season.”

There are two things that we know about Colorado Rockies third baseman Nolan Arenado.

  1. He looks exactly like Jon Snow, which is completely unfair, because people that devilishly handsome and immune to unfair murder shouldn’t be allowed to A) be tall, B) be one of the best baseball players on the planet, and C) make hundreds of millions of dollars. Save some cool things for the rest of us, you selfish poop.
  2. He absolutely destroys the San Francisco Giants.

Entering Tuesday’s game at Oracle Park, Arenado was a career .295/.357/.553 hitter in 126 against the Giants, even though roughly half of those games came in San Francisco, where baseballs go to die. The only consolation was that the 28 home runs he’d hit against the Giants were only tied for his most against a franchise, with the Los Angeles Dodgers thankfully being the other team on the receiving end of his combos.

Now, I’m no mathematologist (in full disclosure, I’ve never even taken a mathematology course), but I think those numbers went up on Tuesday when Arenado hit two home runs against the Giants. I’m not here to tell you he played well or anything, but if you like thinks like “runs” and “wins” then you probably are fond of Arenado’s performance.

I would love to sit here and tell you that Logan Webb had a strong performance, but Arenado’s pair of home runs and subsequent 6 RBI have to get allocated to someone, and Webb is the unlucky soul who fed Arenado two meatballs and had them hit over the fence, once with the bases loaded.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequence of my own actions bad pitches.

Look, I like Webb a lot and think he’s going to be a quality pitcher soon, but there’s no reason to put cardboard in the oven and call it a snickerdoodle. He had a horrible outing, and since the game was over about 30 minutes after it started, Gabe Kapler gave Webb the opportunity to try and pitch through things, and that only made the horrible outing more horrible.

With the Rockies already leading 2-0, Arenado hit a grand slam in the second inning. Webb settled down a tiny bit, with thoughts of a win no longer fluttering through the stadium, though even then his outs were more of the hard hit variety than the fooling hitters variety.

But a leadoff single in the fifth brought Arenado to the plate again, and Kapler decided to give his youngster the chance (and presumably save the bullpen), and I’m here to report that it did not go well.

The second home run was even more impressive than the first, taking on dead center. Mike Yastrzemski climbed the wall for style points, but alas, he did not have Michael Jordan’s Space Jam arms, and so his attempt came up about 30 feet short. Next time, Yaz. Just work on that extension a little bit more.

Jon Gray was boring and good, the Giants bats were boring and bad, and the Rockies won 9-1. Oh joyous Tuesday.

The Giants are now 9-14.