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Hypothetical recap: Giants finally step outside the division ... and get mollywhopped

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Well. Umm. OK.

San Francisco Giants v Cincinnati Reds Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

With the MLB season suspended due to the coronavirus outbreak, there are no baseball games and limited baseball news. So I’m creating a hypothetical season — complete with news and recaps — until baseball resumes. All news and recaps will have the hypothetical tag, so you can at least know when you’re suspending reality. And you can click “hypothetical season” above the headline to see everything that has happened in this “season.”


It took the San Francisco Giants until their 17th game of the season before they finally faced a team that isn’t going to finish ahead of them in the National League West.

And when they finally did step out of the confines of the west coast, it was to jump into the bandbox that is the Great American Ballpark.

The home team, the Cincinnati Reds, are obviously aware of said bandbox. The visiting team — those poor, ignorant fools — apparently spent their off-days eating chili-covered spaghetti rather than reading their copies of Lonely Planet: Cincinnati, because they were not aware of the bandbox.

Except Evan Longoria, but this shouldn’t be surprising. Longoria seems one to read travel guides when engaging in the act of traveling, and besides, he’s a self-labeled foodie who would much rather have his head in a book than eat a bowl of chili-covered spaghetti. He’s gagging just thinking about it.

As am I.

Longoria smacked two balls over the fence — one off Reds starter Luis Castillo, and one off reliever Pedro Strop. The former was a solo shot when the game was still competitive. The latter was a two-run shot when the game was not.

The rest of the Giants didn’t get the memo, as they combined for just one more run on an RBI single from Billy Hamilton, his first ribeye of the year (sidenote: objectively the best cut of steak. If you disagree, take your comments elsewhere. They’re not wanted here. Get out already.).

The Reds, on the other hand, were saddened by Longoria’s solo effort, and put in a total team effort. What a selfless troop of baseballers. They knocked Kevin Gausman this way, and then they knocked him that way, and when manager Gabe Kapler mercilessly spared Gausman, the Reds did the same to the bullpen.

There were hits of all sizes and varieties. If you’re a fan of hits, then you came to the right place, my friend. Hits! Get your fresh, hot, hits!

When all was said and done, the Reds had scored 9 runs, which is emphatically and unequivocally more than 4 runs, which is how many the Giants scored.

And with that, the mighty, mighty Giants have been felled, and they are now a not-so-mighty 6-11.