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Introducing Giants+

Just imagine all the new Giants content we could be watching while quarantined if only the franchise had the courage.

Getty Images / McCovey Chronicles Illustrations

Don’t worry, this isn’t an April Fool’s Day post. This is a Dang it, Giants — look at what could’ve been! post. We live in the streaming era of home entertainment. Brands are fragmenting networks by venturing off into the digital wilderness all by themselves, with only cunning, guile, and a backpack of their own intellectual property to get them to salvation.

We also live in a post-information, post-truth Quarantine Era, and dang it, Giants, wouldn’t it be great if we had some On Demand Giants-only programming to get us through this baseball-less time?

Way back in 2013 (remember the early 10s?), I made a joke post about how the television networks (remember those?) might’ve handled giving Giants players their own TV shows (in order to leverage their national acclaim of winning two titles in three years). I thought it turned out pretty well. I don’t like to do sequel posts because they’re doomed to fail, but I’m tempting fate in this case because I’m suggesting what could be instead of pretending like this is something that actually happened. This is what happens when I’m stuck inside all day with no baseball and now no baseball blog on which to write.

So, following the lead of Disney and their Disney+, NBC’s forthcoming Peacock, Time Warner’s HBO Max, Quibi (it’s a real thing), and Apple TV+, let’s see NBC Sports Bay Area and the Giants take their combined decades of game broadcasts, special event telecasts and put it on a service. And then get a loan and develop some exclusive content. Just think: any moment of any televised game in the history of the Giants at your command. That and these five essential shows that should debut at launch:

Kuip Takes Out the Trash

A lot can happen between your front door and the end of the driveway and in this five-minute minisodes, Duane Kuiper can encounter unruly neighbors, Tommy Lasorda for some reason, and a whole host of annoyances and/or amusing complications. He can even run into friends like Mike Krukow, Rob Schneider for some reason, and Javier Lopez, who’s really just pretending to be his friend until he can take his job permanently.

Gabe Gabs

Inspired by TED Talks, Gabe Gabs gives the garrulous Gabe Kapler a chance to flex his oratory skills beyond the clubhouse. Watch him as he gives 10-45, maybe even 3-hour talks on riveting subjects like:

  • Ice cream consumption
  • Skinning chicken McNuggets
  • The politics of dancing in a post-pandemic world
  • What to wear while you’re figuring out what to wear
  • Clean eating
  • Eating while cleaning
  • What to consider before prefacing a thought
  • Ancient grains

It’s a chance for us to get to know the guy who has replaced Bruce Bochy and figures to be around for the next 10-12 years.

The Flandalorian

This might be the most expensive gamble, but it could provide the greatest reward. In a shameless ripoff of the hugely popular The Mandalorian, free spirit and former third base coach Tim Flannery travels with his band from town to town and getting into trouble along the way. Somebody’s gotta cleanup the backwater towns and bring a sense of peace and justice to the country at large, and The Flandalorian is just the guy for the job.

Along the way he might pick up a hitchhiker or two, like maybe... a...

Poorly illustrated Baby Bochy?

Umpire Hunter P

It’s the year 2030. Human umpires have been replaced by precision robots called Zoners. But one day, the Zoner AI becomes self aware and realizes that in order to become what it has replaced, it must eradicate the remnants.

In this anime series, Hunter Pence looks to make amends for his support of Zoner implementation by traveling the country and rounding up the human umpires who already have two strikes against them.

New Zaideas

In this kids show, the Giants’ President of Baseball Operations teaches the youth about analytics and the future goal of every major league front office. As he might state in the opening moments of the very first episode:

With enough training, practice, and science, any man or woman can be a professional baseball player. But did you know that through a loophole in the Collective Bargaining Agreement, there’s nothing in the rules that says a uniformed player must be a living organism? Join me as we look for the next evolution in baseball: every day items transformed into discrete event generating player units.

It’s one part Storage Wars, one part This Old House, and one part Mythbusters.

And in case you’re wondering: yes, graphic design is my passion.

I’m not saying these are all winners, but I implore the Giants to consider that some of us might very well plunk down $2... maybe even $5 whole dollars to have a Giants+ service.