Recently, the Giants recreated the Friends opening credits to promote their upcoming Friends Night on August 5. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out. Even if it’s not as good as this recreation where Ross drowns, it’s well worth the 52 seconds.
This isn’t the first time the Giants have recreated iconic themes and scenes from television and cinema history. The first was “The Speech” from Animal House which recreated Hunter Pence’s motivational sermon in Cincinnati. They followed that up with a faithful adaptation of the Full House opener. Earlier this year, they remade the Top Gun volleyball scene with #ForeverGiant Pat Venditte.
I have some suggestions for some other scenes the Giants should recreate for the rest of the 2019 season.
Little Giants “One Time”
On the final day of the regular season, the Giants sit in a locker room at half-time looking dejected. Their peewee football uniforms are grass-stained and muddy, and their faces are flecked with dirt. BRUCE BOCHY, the grizzled manager just one win away from 2,000 wins in his career, sees that his team has already accepted defeat.
BOCHY: Did I ever tell you guys about the time I beat Dave Roberts in a poker match?
PABLO SANDOVAL: When?
BOCHY: Back in 2007. We used to play after every game, and he’d always beat me, but one time—one time—I beat him.
JOE PANIK: Big deal, one time.
BRANDON CRAWFORD: You know, one time, I hit a home run off of Hyun-jin Ryu.
TYLER BEEDE: You hit a homer off of Hyun-jin Ryu? He’s going to win the Cy Young this year?
AUSTIN SLATER: Aw, that’s nothing, one time I hit an opposite field homer at Oracle Park as a right-handed hitter.
EVERYONE IN UNISON: Whooaa!
BRANDON BELT: So what? That still doesn’t make us good baseball players.
BOCHY: Now hold on a second guys, whoever said you had to be good to play baseball? You play baseball because Bobby Evans traded for you or because Sabean signed you to an extension. Now, even if you get creamed by the Dodgers 99 times out of 100, that still leaves—
PANIK: One time.
BELT: One time.
SANDOVAL: Yeah! One time.
BOCHY: Yeah! Now go out there and get me to 2,000 wins, ya dinguses.
Return of the King “I can carry you”
Hellfire rains down on the slopes of Mount Doom. DREW POMERANZ lies inert amidst the smoldering rubble. His skin has grown pale from exhaustion and his grasp on life feels weak. In one hand, he keeps tenuous hold on a baseball. REYES MORONTA crawls to POMERANZ, tears welling in his eyes. He cradles POMERANZ in his arms.
MORONTA: Do you remember 2016-2017? Your curveball snapped like the crisp autumn breeze. Your fastball zipped past batters like lightning streaking across the sky.
POMERANZ (weakly): I—I can’t recall pitching well nor keeping the ball in the yard. Naked in the dark, there’s no veil between me and the wheel of dingers! I can see him, literally any hitter in 2019, with my waking eyes.
MORONTA: Then let us be rid of it. Once and for all! C’mon Mr. Pomeranz. I can’t carry it for you. But I can carry you!
MORONTA lifts POMERANZ onto his shoulders. He takes a moment to set us footing under the tremendous burden POMERANZ has put him under. Volcanic ash falls like snow as MORONTA places one foot in front of the other and slowly carries POMERANZ up the slope.
Dead Poets Society “O Captain! My Captain”
FARHAN ZAIDI leads a lecture to a classroom full of forlorn GIANTS wearing matching school uniforms.
ZAIDI: Mr. Posey, turn to page 321.
BUSTER POSEY: That page has been ripped out, sir.
ZAIDI sighs in frustration. Outside the classroom, a recently traded MADISON BUMGARNER can be seen collecting his things. ZAIDI slams a photocopied page down on POSEY’S desk.
POSEY: “On Creating Surplus Value” A player’s value to a team can be reduced to a simple dollars per WAR calculation. Fans and certain writers will have you believe that a player’s past contributions to a team and to a city are paramount, but such sentimental attachment is the folly of the post-2008 Phillies, and—
POSEY pauses as BUMGARNER enters the room.
—the post-2014 San Francisco Giants. A player’s worth can only be defined by what he projects to contribute. What he has done holds no importance over what he will do.
MADISON BUMGARNER slowly moves through the room. JOE PANIK suddenly stands from his seat.
PANIK: Mr. Bumgarner, we didn’t agree to this. We don’t care what kind of prospects you bring back.
ZAIDI: Sit down, Mr. Panik! One more outburst like that, and I’ll nontender you.
BUMGARNER continues to make his way through the classroom. BRANDON CRAWFORD suddenly stands on his desk.
CRAWFORD: O captain! My captain!
ZAIDI: Sit down, Mr. Crawford! You’re lucky your contract makes you immovable or you’d be going off with him.
BRANDON BELT stands on his desk.
BELT: O captain! My captain!
ZAIDI: Sit down! All of you! Mr. Bumgarner, please leave. You have been traded to (audio dub) the Minnesota Twins.
POSEY stands on his desk.
POSEY: O captain! My captain!
One by one, the rest of the GIANTS follow suit until all are standing. ZAIDI stands at the end of the class pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and fore finger. BUMGARNER stands in the doorway, looking proudly upon his former teammates.
BUMGARNER: Thank you, boys.