What you are about to read is parody that began as a thought experiment by members of the McCovey Chronicles staff. While there are no spoilers for tonight’s episode of Game of Thrones, as it has not yet aired, there will be mentions of events from previous episodes. If you aren’t caught up (or don’t care about the show) then you probably shouldn’t read any further.
We all know that the Giants are pretty good at playing baseball. But how would they, as characters on Game of Thrones, fare in the upcoming battle for the living in Winterfell?
Let’s find out.
Interior - War Council Meeting
Buster Posey: Belt, we need you down in the crypts to help keep everyone calm.
Brandon Belt: I don’t think that’s such a good idea, I mean aren’t crypts filled with-
Posey: And we’ll need a way to lure out the Night King.
Brandon Crawford: I’m on it.
Reyes Moronta: Why you?
Crawford: /stares intensely until Moronta looks away
Posey: And we should send the younger players to the crypts, we’re going to need them if we survive.
Belt: Guys, this is a really bad idea. The Night King can literally raise the-
Posey: Everyone has their orders. Let’s get some rest.
Belt: /hangs head and sighs audibly
Brandon Crawford sits alone in the Godswood, the older members of the bullpen are spread out nearby to protect him. Roars ring out overhead and he looks up to see Madison Bumgarner and Johnny Cueto flying by as they get their dragons into position.
Down in the crypts, Brandon Belt sits with Dereck Rodríguez and Steven Duggar, surrounded by Junior Giants.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Belt mutters, staring at the statues of dead Starks as they gaze back ominously in the torchlight. “They could’ve at least sent us dragon glass or some dang Valyrian steel.”
“But Brandon, the crypts are the safest place in Winterfell. Everyone knows that,” says Duggar in a monotonous, vaguely British accent.
Belt begins to eye the exits.
In the courtyard Connor Joe, Michael Reed, and Nick Vincent join Erik Kratz’s command. Kratz appraises the young men, shaking his head. “What are you three doing out here? Shouldn’t you be down in the crypts with the others?”
“They said we didn’t need to go down there now, because we’re not on the team anymore,” says Reed, sadly.
Kratz raises an eyebrow at Vincent.
“They didn’t believe me when I said that I was,” he explains, shrugging.
“Fair enough. Grab a sword, lads, we’ve got work to do.”
Up on the battlements, Buster Posey is gazing out at the horizon. His loyal companion Joe Panik sits behind him, making a brief appearance before his budget is depleted by the upcoming battle sequence. They are joined by Pablo Sandoval.
Sandoval glances back at Panik. “They used to call you Clone of Buster, first of your name, but one of many. Now you are the only one to survive.”
Panik literally disappears. “Ah, well.” Sandoval turns to Posey, “We’ve been through a lot, you and I.”
“I can’t believe this is how it ends,” replies Posey, somberly.
“I think we might live,” interjects a voice from behind them.
“Hunter!” they shout in unison.
Hunter Pence approaches, drinking goat’s milk out of a horn for some reason. “You thought I was going to miss a battle like this?”
“At least we’re together, here at the end of all things,” says Sandoval.
“I think you’re mixing your franchises,” mutters Posey as the camera pans out, revealing that the enemy has arrived.
Out in the Godswood, Crawford wargs into a crow to survey the battle that is beginning around him, as Mark Melancon guards his physical body.
He sees Derek Holland charging into battle before any command is issued, screaming “Valar Morghulis!” in the voice of Kermit the Frog.
He sees the dead begin to rise in the crypts, trapping the young Giants and their guardian:
Belt: Dagnabbit, I told you!
Reanimated Stark ancestor: /stabs six inches wide of hitting Belt
Belt: /is killed anyway
Warg Crawford sees Posey lead a surge of Forever Giants into the fray, but he can tell that they are severely outnumbered. A sea of white and blue engulfs our heroes.
He looks out into the distance, and then he sees it.
“It is time.”