The final season of Game of Thrones begins tonight, so I figured I would get a slice of those sweet, sweet clicks. I have sorted each Giant on the active 25-man roster into one of Westeros’s great houses. I thoroughly analyzed each player’s performance, track record, and personality and matched them into the house that best encapsulates them.
Somehow, no Giant made it into House Greyjoy which means that these Giants are likable.
SPOILER ALERT: The post contains spoilers through Season 7 of Game of Thrones, but if you aren’t caught up, what are you doing here?
Buster Posey, Steven Duggar, Dereck Rodríguez, Erik Kratz
The Stark’s are the lawful good house in Game of Thrones and Buster Posey is the definition of lawful good.
Dereck Rodríguez and Steven Duggar are Starks because they remained on the team while their kin (Andrew Suárez, Ty Blach, Chris Shaw, Mac Williamson, and Austin Slater) were relegated back to the minors. They also figure to be primary characters on the Giants roster for a while.
If you’re wondering why Erik Kratz made it into House Stark, well, it doesn’t get more lawful good than this:
I forgot to mention —It turns out Erik Kratz is the kind of guy that says “Jimminy Christmas.”— Julie Parker (@insidethepark3r) April 13, 2019
The Reeds are one of the more underappreciated houses in Westeros. Ned Stark would have been dead long before Jon Arryn’s death if it weren’t for Howland Reed, and Ned took the credit for killing Ser Arthur Dayne. Jojen Reed gave his life to get Bran to the Three Eyed Raven, and Meera Reed dragged Bran back to the wall without so much as a thank you.
Brandon Belt has been the Giants’ best hitter since 2013 and there are still Giants fans who want to get rid of him. Talk about underappreciated.
Brandon Crawford, Yangervis Solarte
The Martells are known for throwing their inhibitions to the wind, and they’re capable of seducing men and women alike.
Evan Longoria, Mark Melancon, Sam Dyson, Reyes Moronta
Longoria and Melancon are both resented for how much money they have. There are plenty of people who believe the Giants should be rid of them. Sure, Longoria and Melancon aren’t without their flaws, but they’re doing their best, and there’s still time for redemption.
In Sam Dyson’s case, his love for his cat Snuckles is only matched by Tommen’s love for Ser Pounce.
Then there’s Reyes Moronta whose slider so utterly devastates the opposition that it can only be expressed by the Lannister song, “The Rains of Castamere.”
Jeff Samardzija, Drew Pomeranz
The three Baratheon brothers were all qualified to sit the Iron Throne, but none were necessarily anyone’s first pick. Samardzija and Pomeranz have been effective so far, but I don’t know how long this is going to last.
Derek Holland, Kevin Pillar
The Arryns are dependable and they come through in the clutch even if, like Holland, they’re a bit eccentric.
Tyler Austin, Travis Bergen, Trevor Gott, Nick Vincent
The Glovers exist, and so too, do Austin, Bergen, Gott, and Vincent.
Before this year, I could never remember what team Gerardo Parra was on. He always just seemed to pop up in the other dugout. He’s been a faithful servant of the Diamondbacks and Rockies, an omnipresent opponent. He’s on the Giants now, but aside from a few sweet throws from the outfield, he hasn’t really been helping. Whose side are you on, Parra?
Sandoval’s name doesn’t carry the same amount of respect as it once did. He disgraced himself in Boston, compiling several subreplacement seasons. He was exiled from New England, but he has a newfound humility. Once thought a traitor, he’s ready to redeem himself in the eyes of the seven season ticket holders the Giants still have.
Also, the sigil for House Mormont is a bear, and Pablo is a panda bear.
Will Smith, Tony Watson
The Tarleys are nothing if not dependable. Except for maybe that one time where Sam was supposed to send a raven when the Night’s Watch was stranded near the Fist of the First Men.
Smith and Watson are equally dependable, but they’re each going to blow a game this year, and it’s going to ruin your day.
I waffled on where to put Bumgarner. I initially had him as a Karstark because he’s basically Stark adjacent, but his anger can really waylay the Giants’ plans sometimes.
Then I thought I should make him a Dothraki because he’s an actual horse lord.
But Bumgarner is a principle character in the Giants saga. He’s above the distinction of a vassal house or the leader of a pastoral horde. Bumgarner is a Targaryen because he’s a protagonist in the Giants story, his temper can get the best of him, and he rides beasts into battle.
And if A Song of Ice and Fire refers to the union of houses Stark and Targaryen well,