Look, this is Grant’s bit. I know it, you probably know it,and he definitely knows it. But since he’s gone forever and never coming back, probably because of something you did, that means that the rest of us get to cannibalize every last scrap he left behind so that we can pretend we’re not disgusting, talentless wretches wallowing in our own incompetence and basking in reflected glory.
Also, baseball players sure do look goofy sometimes!
Anyway, let’s get to what we’ve learned.
Alen Hanson can smolder with the best of them
You thought Brandon Crawford was the only middle infielder on the Giants with that power, but guess again. Sure, Hanson’s locks might be a skosh less flowing and his beard a tad less majestic, but those are quibbles. What Hanson does have is a stare that burrows deep inside of you, comforting you, making you feel known, making you feel seen.
Mr. Crawford, any response?
Game recognize game.
Bumgarner is trying very hard to psychically communicate what pitch he’s going to throw through your computer screen
This is the closest you’ll ever come to knowing what it’s like to be Buster Posey. Treasure the feeling.
Reyes Moronta wears a cross around his neck so that he has a snack if he needs one
Every pitcher comes into Spring Training hoping to develop an edge. Some guys add 10 pounds of muscle. Some guys develop a new pitch. And Reyes Moronta has apparently taken up gnawing on his necklace. Does it have good nutritional value? In what way does this actually provide an edge? Look, I’m not an expert in biomechanics. I can just relate the story that this two photo sequence tells.
Jeff Samardzija displays the duality inherent in the game of baseball
I did a good thing! Look at how happy I am about it!
I did a bad thing. I am decidedly unhappy about it.
Boy, baseball sure is a crazy game with lots of wacky ups and downs!
Conner Menez operates an apothecary in the 1800s
Why, just yesterday, he didn’t have a beard at all! But only one application of Morton and Murphy’s Hair Tonic and his face became a veritable garden of hair! Just one dose and he was pruning his face with garden shears. This potion is a miracle, good for curing baldness, good for just giving you a good, full beard.
Facial hair not your style? Well, why not come in and take a gander at our brand new Cobra Oil? Made from the sweat of real cobras right here in the American West, this tincture has the power to do almost anything. It’s an honest to God miracle. From oiling your hinges to curing your consumption, Cobra Oil is the elixir of the gods. Better buy yours now, because our store’s moving on in a couple days, and you don’t want to miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity!
Someone forgot to turn the lights on at the start of Chris Shaw’s photoshoot
It’s okay. We all understand. Electricity bills can get pretty expensive.
Anthony Garcia just wants to know what’s up with you
“You did two Codecademy lessons on Python in 2017 and think you’ll get back to it anytime? Hey, me too, man. I know you will.”
You don’t know what Buster Posey has seen
Have you ever stared unblinking into the face of evil? Have you plumbed the depths of despair, your every thought an affront to God? Do you understand, truly understand, the depravity that humanity is capable of?
No. Your answer is no. And Buster Posey’s isn’t.
My goodness, Cameron Rupp couldn’t possibly look any more like a catcher
That beard! That body! That gap in his teeth that is probably just a gap but might be the result of some injury! That slightly awkward expression on his face because he’s not 100% sure why someone’s taking a picture of him! That, uh, catcher’s glove!
Look, it’s mostly the beard and the body, but still. Those are as catcher as catchers get. Four out of four Mike-Krukow-saying-squaaaaaaaats.
Shaun Anderson is the cool uncle who’s coming down on you hard for making your mom worry, which is how you know you really messed up
“Listen, sport, I understand. I do. You need space so you can be yourself. At your age, it’s totally natural. I’ve been there, bro. I lived it.
“But your mom loves you, and she was scared as hell last night. You can’t just go out to some party at some kid’s house and not answer your phone and not get home till 3:30 in the morning. What were you thinking? I mean, I never thought I’d be the one to say this to anybody, but wow, you’ve got a lot of growing up to do.”
Matt Herges has a very tough time looking stern
“All right, Matt, now let’s do an intimidating one. Give us your toughest look.”
“Sure thing, chief!”
“Well, that’s, uh, pretty good, Matt, but why don’t we try another pose?”
“Aw heck, you got it!”
“Wow Matt, you’re...you’re nailing it. Let’s just do one more, okay?”
“Yep! You’re the boss!”
“Why don’t we really give it to them with both barrels? Cross your arms and give your sternest, toughest, scariest look?”
“If you say so! I don’t like to be Mr. Tough Guy all the time, but I’ll do it just this once for you, buddy!”
Johnny Cueto is injured, and therefore doesn’t get a number
This is needless cruelty. Johnny Cueto has a number in our hearts. He should have one in reality too.