This season is stupid. I don’t need to tell you that - you’ve been watching!
The Giants are eliminated from the playoffs. The bulk of their fun-to-watch players are either on the disabled list, playing on one leg, or traded. They’ve been careless with injuries and player management. Their direction is non-existent.
But enough about that. There’s good news: The Giants players each have a name, and those names can be re-arranged to create new names.
So, on that note, I present to you the starting lineup (let’s pretend the team is healthy - this is fantasy anagram land, after all) for the 2018 Anagramgiants. Giantagrams. Something.
1. First Base: Brandon Belt - On brand, Blet
This is for all you KNBR callers out there. Good ol’ Blet. Staying on brand.
2. Catcher: Buster Posey - Bey’s pot user
This is just a funny image to me. Buster Posey looks and sounds like a person who would utter the phrase, “I’ve never smoked a pot before.”
I don’t know what Posey’s current walk-up music is, but sometime in the recent past it was Brantley Gilbert, who is . . . yeah, I’ll just let you google that one if you’re curious.
Anyway, the image of Posey, in an alternate life, smoking Beyonce’s weed is a funny one.
3. Second base: Joe Panik - Pain joke
There are a lot of ways to interpret this one.
It could be a joke about pain - Panik’s inability to stay healthy. Or a painful joke about Panik, mired in extreme and horrendous regression. Your choice.
4. Third base: Evan Longoria - On an oil grave
This conglomeration of words literally means nothing, but I found it oddly poetic and enjoyable, yet also grim and depressing, and that felt rather fitting for a very likable player in extreme decline.
5. Shortstop: Brandon Crawford - Non-word barf card.
Brandon Crawford, along with his wife Jalynne, recently welcomed a fourth child to the world. That’s a lot of kids.
As a former kid myself, I remember doing two things exceptionally well: “writing” birthday and holiday cards that were just colorful crayon scribbles, and barfing on everything. So happy birthday, super dad: hope you enjoyed your non-word barf cards from your (adorable) children.
6. Left field: Austin Slater - A sinus rattle
You know how some people have resting bitch face? Austin Slater has resting I’m-about-to-sneeze-face. He just always looks like he’s about to sneeze to me. So got a sinus rattle you schmuck. It will help.
More seriously, once I started trying to anagramize Slater’s name, I could not stop seeing the word “anus”, which didn’t feel appropriate, so this was the only thing I could come up with.
7. Right field: Hunter Pence - Penne chuter
In an article full of streches, this is the stretchiest, but stick with me. The defining moment of Pence’s Giants tenure came from the “Pence signs”. My favorite was “Hunter Pence eats pizza with a fork”, which felt so innocent for a man who does everything in the most eclectic and unnatural ways possible.
I imagine Pence eats dinner by unstrapping his fifth and sixth arms (the ones with vacuum-power tentacles), and grabbing his food by the hand/tentacleful. Then he throws them down his gullet as though he is an actual, half-human chute.
8. Center field: Steven Duggar - Ten graves dug
I like dark nicknames for athletes, and this evokes feelings of Duggar burying his opponents, which is a fun/weird metaphor for all the hits he steals with his excellent defense.
9. Pitcher: Madison Bumgarner - Bummer, son. Dang air.
This is what I imagine Bumgarner says when he blows a snot rocket into the wind, only to have it return fire on his face.
I am so sorry for this article. Please continue with your day.