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Here are the Giants’ Emmy winners

Y’know, if they had been nominated.

MLB: San Francisco Giants at Houston Astros Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

The 70th Primetime Emmy Awards aired on Monday night and congratulations to all the winners. Thing is, they did not compete against the San Francisco Giants. Mainly because the Giants were ineligible for academy consideration as they are a baseball team and not a television program.

And yet... the Giants do play on TV. What if they had been eligible? I think they would’ve cleaned up. Let’s go through the main categories and award the appropriate Giants winner.

Oh, and given that baseball is not life or death, we must accept that the Giants could only be a Comedy Program. As far as we know, the Giants aren’t killing their competitors in the drug business or coming to terms with the existential dread of being a successful white man in the 1960s, so there’s not much of a case to be made there. Besides, comedies can have dramatic moments.

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series

“Let Pablo Pitch”, 2018 San Francisco Giants

While all the nominees in the actual category range from fantastic to marvelous, none capture the absurdity of Pablo Sandoval pitching a perfect relief inning. Mainly because none of the other shows are about Pablo Sandoval or even about baseball, but that’s a bug, not a feature. Atlanta, Barry, The Marvelous Ms. Maisel, and Silicon Valley might have insight and killer jokes, but Pablo Sandoval pitching in “Let Pablo Pitch” has Pablo Sandoval pitching.

Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series

Andrew McCutchen, 2018 San Francisco Giants

A bit of a controversial win here because the addition of McCutchen was pitched as a full-season thing. The August 31st trade to the Yankees changed that, of course, but the Emmy voters were extremely generous in their ruling here. Usually, a “guest star” means an actor who appears in a single episode or maybe a few over the course of a season. McCutchen was on the team for five months! When you watch his Emmy submission, though, you can see why they were swayed to disregard precedent.

It was a smart move by his representatives to submit him as a guest star, because the Lead Actor In A Comedy Series category is tough.

Outstanding Contemporary Costumes - 2018

First: yes, it’s a real category. Second, you already know what the Giants submitted:

Obviously, Crawford had been planning yesterday’s trip for months, to the extent that he hardly slept, ate, or hit. It’s a hard-earned win and one of the few the entire team has enjoyed in the calendar year 2018.

Outstanding Narrator - 2018

In a tough category that features Liev Schreiber, Sir David Attenborough, Carl Reiner, Morgan Freeman, and Charles Dance — all legends — the Academy missed out on what would’ve been the sure-fire winner: Danny Glover, for his “Bonds Number Retirement” video narration:

The other nominees narrated docs about boxing, penguins, Planet Earth, lions, and a celebrity’s twilight years. Glover was the only legend to narrate a legend. Easy win.

Outstanding Stunt Coordinator for a Comedy Series or Variety Program

Another really tough category here, populated by truly deserving nominees, but to coordinate all this without anyone getting hurt really is something.

And, really, for just this part of it:

Stunt coordination is all about concisely conveying story and emotion through action. This encapsulated every possible story element in a single sequence. Simpy brilliant.

Lifetime Achievement Award

Most of the time these go to people who are still alive and able to accept the award in front of a gracious crowd. Buster Posey has done so much in such a short amount of time, but in baseball years, he’s older than two Wrigley Fields. This would’ve been a well-deserved honor. I can see Sandra Oh crying as she gives a standing ovation.