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The best places for bat flips

There is never a bad time to flip a baseball bat, but there’s usually a better place than a baseball stadium in which to flip one.

Texas Rangers v Baltimore Orioles Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images

Last night, Mark Canha pinch hit for the Oakland A’s and KEE-rushed a 2-run home run off of every Giants fans’ platonic boyfriend, usually dominate lefty reliever Tony Watson, and Marked the occasion with a glorious bat flip.

Canha seemed to say in the moment, “This my house.”

There’s nothing offensive about coming into someone’s stadium, demolishing a home run and possibly turning around a dominate reliever’s season for the worse and then declaring everything within view your property — that’s the power of being an athlete: you are legally allowed to dominate and own people and property on a metaphysical level.

What offends me is how old he makes me feel by saying he used to go to AT&T Park as a kid. Mark Canha has to be in his thirties, right? I’m in my (::cough:: late) thirties, too, so he’s — [checks notes] he’s 29? Okay, punk. You’re still pretty old, but yeah, also a punk for making me feel old.

Here’s the thing about bat flips: they are a joy for the player and his accomplishment and their teammates and fans. It’s also hugely disrespectful to the opponent and their fans, and that’s the point. You’re showing everyone your joy. We should all acknowledge as Americans that the thing that makes us most upset — again, as Americans — is seeing other people happy. It suggests to our pea brains that someone has something we don’t. Or, because we are a capitalist country — someone has more of something. And that, my fellow Americans, we cannot abide.

A bat flip is both an unintentional and intentional nose-rubbing in an accomplishment. It’s baseball’s slam dunk. And 98% of the time, someone dunking a basketball wishes they could be dunking directly, physically on an opponent. 300% of the time, the intent behind the dunk is to slam the opponent into submission. Sports is about domination, but also fun!

To that end, although we might think Mark Canha hitting a monster shot to eventually win the game for his team against the mighty Giants in their own stadium is the peak moment for a bat flip, there are other places where showing his joy like that could make a higher percentage of the people around him happier, and if bat flips are all about joy, then finding ways to maximize joy is the sign of a good person. Mark Canha’s a good person, right?

Here, now, are 6 places or situations that are better than a major league stadium in which to perform a bat flip following a 2-run home run:

High school graduation ceremony

These past four years have had their share of ups and downs and some of these kids might be walking into uncertain futures; but, if only for today, they have this one accomplishment. They made it. People who care about them got to see them walk down the aisle and receive their diploma. They got to share in the accomplishment. And guess what? Now these kids are adults, ready to take the next step in their development.

But... before they leave this desirable demographic, can Major League Baseball hook them with a glorious bat flip? Don’t worry about the bat flip stepping on the hat toss at the end, because Canha can time the flip to coincide with the toss. Everybody wins (except the Giants).

Percentage of audience made happier: 100%

At the lip of the Grand Canyon

Stunning. Glorious. A natural site to behold. Mark Canha crushing nature. Showing it up in front of the tourists. Mother Nature’s awesome power is no match for Canha’s pull power. If he times it just right he can get the ball and bat to hit the ground at exactly the same time (don’t quote me on that: I can’t remember how physics works).

Percentage of audience made happier: 80%

A funeral

People who would rather mourn at a funeral than enjoy a bat flip are The Fun Police and they should be mocked mercilessly until they scurry away from public life for good. Oh, you’re sad that someone died? Well, enjoy a renewed sense of purpose and overall vigor in your own life after witnessing the greatness of this bat flip!

Besides, mourning needn’t be the only gear. A bat flip is a celebration. Therefore, a funeral with a bat flip can be a celebration of life. The one we’ve lost? The impact they had on those assembled could best be summed up by a bat flip. Or, if you’re more of a fundamentalist, then the bat flipping up into the air symbolizes the dearly departed’s spirit ascending to the astral plane / Heaven and the bat hitting the ground signalling their physical body’s return to the earth.

Percentage of audience made happier: 50%

During closing arguments of a jury trial

Sometimes, court cases can be nebulous or ponderous for everyone involved, especially the jury. So, let’s say 12 people are in the box and they’ve made it through 12-15 weeks of some insurance trial. There are millions of dollars at stake, perhaps, but the arguments and the situation feels more abstract than practical, and despite their best efforts, the jury has lost focus and knows that they’re about to enter deliberations without any clear direction.

BAM! Bat flip!

That’ll wake ‘em up. That’ll focus the mind. Even if you don’t know exactly what just happened, you sure as heck know something. just. happened. and in the course of piecing that together, the analytical side of their brains will get some reps and gain some energy to gather focus and concentration.

There are GOTCHA! moments in every court case, but there aren’t BAT FLIP! moments, and those could be the turning point in some very important decisions. Added bonus: once Canha enters the courtroom, the judge could very well bang their gavel and say, “This is highly irregular! But I’ll allow it,” which makes the gambit totally worth it.

Percentage of audience made happier: 90%

In the middle of a bad comedian’s terrible set

Do you offend easily? Do you think someone dumping on your beliefs isn’t funny and yet you’re told you’re the one with the problem? What better way to shut up such a silly person than by having a baseball player walk onto the stage in the middle of a performance and, like, friggin’ launch a home run into the balcony seats before flipping the bat right in front of the comedian and just as he’s about to deliver his punchline.

Canha doesn’t even break stride. He just enters stage from stage left, hits the ball to the back of the auditorium, tosses his bat so that it lands at the feet of the terrible comedy man, and just keeps walking, exiting stage right.

Percentage of audience made happier: 95%

A sick child’s hospital room

If you’re 10 years old and viral meningitis has got you down or a brain tumor has given you a frown, what better way to lighten the mood and flood your mind with some positive endorphins than by watching a major league baseball player walk into your hospital room and toss his bat into the air? There is nothing better than this. Bat flips are awesome and their regenerative properties have been well documented (do not fact check this).

Mark Canha practices homeruneopathic medicine, and if he’s smart, he’ll be coming to a pediatrics ward near you. And to anyone who finds such an idea to be in poor taste, well...

Let. Mark. Canha. Cure. Your. Child’s. Severe. Illness. With. A. Bat. Flip.

After all these other options, I think it’s clear that Mark Canha should’ve hit that 2-run home run anywhere other than AT&T Park. What do you think are some other situations and places where Mark Canha’s booming 2-run home run could have done a lot more good?