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An exegetical analysis of the Giants’ relationship with Paul Goldschmidt

Or, why was he so danged good against the Giants this week?

Los Angeles Dodgers v Arizona Diamondbacks Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

The Giants have famously suffered at the hands of Paul Goldschmidt, and in the latest series against him, Goldschmidt went 8-for-12 with 4 doubles, even though he’s had a very bad season up to this point. Is his career success based solely on facing the Giants or are the Giants the least successful team against him? This academic paper purports to answer that very question.

Paul Goldschmidt is the greatest baseball player Bruce Bochy’s Giants have ever seen. There’s no point fact checking that statement, you know in your heart it’s true. Their best laid plans are laid bare by the power and skill of the Diamondbacks’ first baseman to the extent that it defies analysis.

Sports history is replete with athletes who excel against a single opponent — who can forget Calvin Murray’s surprise ownage of Randy Johnson? — and no advanced metric or computer-aided analysis can answer the question of why? with any satisfaction. It’s David vs. Goliath, but with a twist: Goliath (the Giants) has lost to David (Paul Goldschmidt) numerous times, yet believes he can defeat David by attacking him exactly the same way every time.

This obstinance has only caused the legend to grow. In this year’s chapter of the story, David got divorced and moved back in with his parents. They’re loving and supportive, of course, but wonder if he’s ever going to get his life back in order. Until one day, when Goliath challenges him to another duel. His folks are worried — all he does is sit in the basement watching unboxing videos on YouTube all day; surely, he can’t defeat Goliath againbut David feels invigorated.

Away from Goliath’s lair he’s at a crossroads. Has time betrayed his body? Has the fire that’s driven him for so long dimmed? The results of David’s other trials show pain and failure.

Goldschmidt is a heart of glory. His home is in that battle. He respects the challenge of defeating Goliath. An eternal duel he wins every time because his intentions are pure.

Goliath respects only himself, and that is why he fails. Goliath pursues David using only his brute strength because his soul tells him that’s all he needs to win at anything.

Goliath will never stop believing that an 82 mph pitch in the middle of the plate can stop a puny mortal like David dead in his tracks. No act of God or hitting will change his mind. For he is Goliath, and he has never been wrong.

Goliath likes the knees because it’s where the puny beings beneath bend to show their subservience. David should be honored to see 86 in the middle of the plate at his weak, powerless knees.

Goliath attacks with 85 at the belt middle-away because Goliath knows that David has been sitting in his basement watching unboxing videos on YouTube and will have too much of a paunch to do anything with it.

Goliath knows in his bones that he’s meant to dominate the Davids of the world with 90 mph pitches down and in. No hitter has ever conquered such feats. Or ever will.

Goliath puffs out his chest with a 92 mph at David’s letters because he knows his will and might to be superior to David’s, who would never have the confidence to lift his bat to uppercut such a feat of power. Goliath underestimates David because David doesn’t know what pitch is coming next.

The brute can be clever, too, as he demonstrates by thrusting a pitch right down the middle of the plate with all his might. He could conceive of no possibility where in David anticipated such a maneuver.

But David and Goliath need each other. They’re a test of strength for the other. David leaves the battle with the mettle he thought lost. Goliath leaves knowing that David’s success is the world’s illusion, and only Goliath knows the truth.