Sean Hjelle will need a new nickname

No baseball team can have two giraffes in their organization. It’s not the same as someone having two knives. Brandon Belt being called a giraffe just fits him so perfectly, because it was never about his size, it was always about how awkwardly he moved. By all accounts, the Giants’ 6’-11” 2nd round draft pick, RHP Sean Hjelle, has excellent body control and moves almost gracefully for a person of his size and setup. For reference:

He describes himself in his Twitter profile as “Giraffe by profession, Minnesotan by nature.” Now, his teammates or loved ones probably tagged him with the giraffe comp, and again, that’s fair, but it’s just not going to work with the Giants.

Usually, a nickname reveals itself over time, after we or his teammates get a sense of who the guy is. But given Sean Hjelle’s special size and shape, we ought to consider waiving the waiting period and slap one on him now. Or, at the very least, start thinking about it.

Why does this matter? Oh, you better believe it doesn’t. Nothing about watching sports matters. It’s all perhaps an entirely needless distraction from the rest of the world. But since you’re here and we’re in it, we might as well make the most of it. With nicknames.

There are a lot of different ways you can go with this, but I think the naming conventions fall under three categories: friendly, scary, and weird.

Friendly options

BIG BIRD

Now, I don’t know why Don decided to reply to a tweet about Hunter Strickland with a tweet about Sean Hjelle, but I’m gonna go with it because it got me the Big Bird comp, which I think could work, given how much of a magnet for children Hjelle seems to be.

THE BFG

Along those lines, it seems pretty clear that he’s good for one Big Friendly Giant comp.

Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for Disney

I totally see it. Could also modify it to be The BFHjelle.

JOLLY GREEN GIANT

This one might be harder to explain, but I’m going to give it a try. First, here’s the reference:

Second, Green Jellÿ’s “Three Little Pigs” was one of my favorite music videos during adolescence.

Reminder: Green Jellÿ is pronounced “Green Jello”, and Green Jellö was the band’s original name but changed it when the pudding conglomerate exerted some pressure.

So... Hjelle gets you to Green Jellÿ, which sounds close to “jolly”; and Green, of course, gets you to Green and since he’s both a giant and a Giant... yeah, this one doesn’t work so much.

TUXEDO MASK

Just going off the top of my memory from middle school, “Sailor Moon” was a Japanese import that came on after school about a trio of girls who fought evil forces and would sometimes get bailed out by this tall, lanky dude named Tuxedo Mask. It always stuck with me because of his odd thinness.

Children’s stories used to be heavily situated around friendly adults helping them out. Simpler times!

Scary options

I’m starting this off with the scariest possible image I can think up, and that’s the original costume and makeup camera test for the original ALIEN movie. You’ll see the actor slowly, creepily moving around the spaceship set, lurking and moving throughout the shadows, but not at the fast predator speed we wind up getting in the actual movie, but in a slow, nightmarish stalking of our very souls.

I don’t know what the nickname should be, but a preternaturally thin and tall being like Hjelle eventually brings me back to this video. Maybe that’s just my problem.

And then there are The Gentlemen of the television episode “Hush” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Which is pretty similar to the 21st century ghoul The Slenderman...

... but neither are as terrifying as the alien from Annihilation.

I’m not even showing you the most terrifying part of that damn scary thing and I’m certainly not spoiling the movie, even though this haunting form is all over the ending. Gah. I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight.

You know what? Let’s just combine these last three and call him THE HJELLE MAN.

Weird options

MR. HOMN

From Star Trek: The Next Generation?

No? No takers? Fine.

GORT

What pitcher wouldn’t want to be associated with a fearsome robot with the power to destroy the world?

But if none of these have worked for you, then I think I’ve finally got one that will...

In case you don’t see the reference, that’s Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Could go with either Jack Skellington or Jack Hjellington, but no matter what, we need to get this sorted out before too long. We just can’t have two giraffes.