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A Deep Dive Into Hunter Pence’s New Mustache

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Grading Hunter Pence’s mustache based on my non-expert opinion

Alexis Pence

Facial hair in baseball is pretty much a given. It’s not uncommon to find an Abraham Lincoln-looking beard in the Nationals’ bullpen or some Buster Posey-level neck scruff around the league.

I’ve noticed some mustaches here and there - I mean, does anyone remember when Tim Lincecum decided he wanted short hair and a mustache? Not my favorite, but it existed:

Christian Petersen / Getty

As for the 2018 Giants, Derek Holland not only brought his Kermit impression but he also brought the legacy of his mustachioed days on the Rangers to San Francisco by convincing Hunter Pence to grow his very own mustache. Yup, a man nicknamed “Dutch Oven” convinced bearded Pence to lighten up for spring by sporting a caterpillar over his upper lip.

By no means am I an expert in facial hair or mustaches but I’d like to take a deeper dive into Hunter’s facial hair and see we can give a fair grade by examining it from multiple angles including

Up Close And Personal

Would it even be a McCovey Chronicles article if we didn’t zoom and enhance on something weird?

Upon closer inspection, Hunter Pence’s mustache is NOT a Monet. I repeat, NOT A MONET. It looks just as mustache-y and full from far away as it does from far away. No sparseness, facial hair looks nicely textured, and there is clear definition of where his mustache starts and ends. I’m going to dock a few points because the ‘stache looks slightly uneven but it’s possible the perspective of the image skews this slightly. I guess we’ll never know (shrugging emoji)

Zoomed In Grade: A-

In A Baseball Uniform

Does the facial hair match the uniform? Does it look baseball player-y? Let’s examine:

Oh wow, that’s a good looking baseball player. But there’s something different about this one.... could it.. could it be? Could it be the mustache actually COMPLEMENTS the his uniform in a way that accentuates both the man AND The mustache? I actually think this is one of the pictures that makes the mustache look more intentional and less ironic.

Context In A Baseball Setting: A

Does It Make Him Look Like A Hipster?

To clarify, my least favorite quality of a mustache is if it makes someone look too much like a hipster who says stuff like, “I don’t even own a TV” (pro tip: don’t brag about this) or someone who thinks art is taking Polaroids of their Mumford and Sons vinyls. No, just... no. A lower grade in this category means you are an extreme-hipster.

Alexis Pence (YouTube)

First of all, Hunter is in a hipster coffee shop that I’m unfamiliar with but am CERTAIN transacts using only Square and has tables made only from up-cycled horse stable doors. This guy doesn’t play for the Giants - he lives in Brooklyn and teaches the ukulele.

Hipster Qualities: D+

Ability To Go From Day-To-Night

How does the mustache transition into more formal situations? Can it be dressed up? Let’s take a look-see.

This guy tells dad jokes. I know it. I’m neutral on the mustache accompanied with a more formal outfit but I do feel like it looks like he’s about to tell me that it’s “Tooth-Hurt-y” in regards to a joke about dentist time-telling. It’s possible a bow-tie of some sort could bump this look up a notch but until then..

Mustache In Formal Context: B-

You know, overall, if anyone had to get a mustache on the Giants, I certainly don’t hate that it’s Hunter Pence. Can you imagine if Buster Posey got one? Here, let me help you:

Original Photo: USA Today Sports

You like that, internet?

All-in-all, after our deep dive into Hunter’s ‘stache, I think he gets an overall score of a B+ . Mustaches are not really my jam, but if I have to look at one, Hunter pulls it off with his overall vibe and weirdness that’s so wrong it’s right.

Keep on doing you, Hunter. But maybe do it with something other than facial hair next time.