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Are the Giants better than AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR? (Spoiler Discussion Thread)

The greatest crossover event in cinema history debuts today within this post.

Los Angeles Global Premiere for Marvel Studios' 'Avengers: Infinity War' Photo by Rich Polk/Getty Images for Disney

Marvel’s AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR premieres tonight and has been billed as a seminal moment in film history. In this case, it’s not about the art, it’s about uniting a cast of #1s on the call sheet to essentially be co-stars to the real lead of this franchise: money. But the actual story of the movie involves 30 or more of these now-famous people coming together to stop one bad guy from literally killing half of all life in the universe. Those are some stakes.

If you’re not into nerd crap like comic book movies then you will get nothing — absolutely nothing — out of this post. And even if you are into that stuff, you’re only going to want to use this post to comment on AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR and the spoilers therein. That’s a good idea, actually, and I’m glad the you I’m thinking of came up with it. This post will be pinned to the front page all weekend so you can do your spoilery talk.

But if you just came here for barely related Giants content, here’s the meat of it all: which Giants are which Avengers and if these same Giants were in the new Marvel’s AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR, what would be there fate? “Everyone” is slated to die defending the universe in this grand event. Would our beloved Giants suffer the same fate?

Actor: Robert Downey Jr.
Giant: Barry Bonds
Actual WAR: 164.4
INFINITY WAR: I tried to pick a current Giant who could be RDJ/Iron Man’s equal and I simply couldn’t. Barry Bonds rescued a franchise that was thought dead and bound for Florida. Robert Downey Jr. not only saved his career but he made Iron Man a pop culture legend. He may have saved Marvel comics just by being a smarmy ass. Yet another thing Barry Bonds has in common with him. And even though I’m not sure but still pretty sure that Iron Man is going to die in INFINITY WAR, it still seems right to connect Barry Bonds to the character because he essentially “killed” his public image in a way that boosted the Giants’.

Actor: Chris Hemsworth
Giant: Madison Bumgarner
Actual WAR: 29.4
INFINITY WAR: At this point, it’s pretty clear that Bumgarner is a mythic figure akin to Thor Odinson. We’ve seen him wield an ax and between that and his curveball, he basically wields the same mystical hammer as this fictional character. Thor might just survive this mammoth blockbuster movie, despite suffering many injuries and losses... just like Madison Bumgarner will survive his various injuries to once again rule the realm.

Actor: Chris Evans
Giant: Buster Posey
Actual WAR: 37.4
INFINITY WAR: If anything happens to Captain America, a significant chunk of America will lose its mind... the same thing that would happen were any ill to befall Buster Posey. Also

Actor: Mark Ruffalo
Giant: Brandon Belt
Actual WAR: 18.7
INFINITY WAR: I think Brandon Belt’s secret is that he’s angry all the time and he’s figured out how to mask it with a quirky, “Aw shucks” demeanor and a goofy sense of humor. Be deep down, he can’t control the rage. And when the monster comes out, baseballs are destroyed. But Brandon Belt also likes to let pitchers make mistakes rather than force the issue. He prefers his quiet judgment of the strike zone rather than a fanbase’s loud declaration that he mash without remorse. The film’s Hulk knows the universe needs to be saved, but he might not be ready or willing to give himself fully over to the cause if it means losing his identity.

Actor: Benedict Cumberbatch
Giant: Johnny Cueto
Actual WAR: 30.3
INFINITY WAR: Strange and Cueto are both sorcerer supremes. They both can manipulate time, fooling and dominating their opponents with stutter steps and flourishes of the hand. They feel like they shouldn’t be central figures on the team, and yet they are. And, most importantly, they’re survivors who will also pull through and help everyone else succeed.

Actor: Scarlet Johansson
Giant: Tony Watson
Actual WAR: 4.0
INFINITY WAR: So clever, so crafty, both seduce and deceive people with their deliveries. They are both vital cogs in their respective Avenger machines. And given Tony Watson’s stint with the Dodgers, like Black Widow the super spy, we can never quite be sure what team Watson is really playing for.

Actor: Tom Holland
Giant: Joe Panik
Actual WAR: 9.5
INFINITY WAR: Panik’s just like your friendly neighborhood Spider-man, diving all over the place to make game-saving plays with his webbing and generally being adored by everyone. There’s also that whole New York thing. He’s also known for singlehandedly taking down Big Bads like Kershaw and Jansen. We know he’ll be okay and we’ll have many more years to enjoy his presence.

Actor: Chadwick Boseman
Giant: Andrew McCutchen
Actual WAR: 45.9
INFINITY WAR: Newest and coolest Giant on the block with a style that can’t be matched and is genuinely adored by people of all kinds everywhere on Earth. He came from the mysterious land of Pittsburgh, known mostly for its steel, much like Black Panther coming from Wakanda, a country rich in vibranium. He is a positive force for good who will change the world and nothing will ever stop him.

Actor: Paul Bettany
Giant: Hunter Pence
Actual WAR: 30.4
INFINITY WAR: They’re both half-supernatural, half-technological beings and the fate of the world could very well hinge on their survival. No, the Giants playoff odds aren’t sunk with a damaged Pence in the lineup nor are they harmed by his absence, but Hunter Pence has saved the Giants before, and he very well could again. Like The Vision, that salvation might come in the form of his sacrifice (I’m talking about his playing time here).

Actor: Elizabeth Olsen
Giant: Alexis Pence
Actual WAR: 0.0
INFINITY WAR: Scarlet Witch and The Vision have a romantic relationship as they’re essentially the only two people in the universe who understand each other. Therefore, I can think of no better partner or mirror for Hunter Pence than Alexis Pence.

Actor: Don Cheadle
Giant: Gregor Blanco
Actual WAR: 9.7
INFINITY WAR: Rhodes is Tony Stark’s sidekick. Thing is, I’ve already said that Barry Bonds is Iron Man/Tony Stark, and Barry Bonds does not have a sidekick. Therefore, I must select Gregor Blanco to be War Machine, because he is dependable, friendly, and key injuries caused him to be released by the Giants, where he spent a year away only to rejoin the team a year later. For reference, in CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR, War Machine is severely injured and has to leave the Avengers, but it looks like he’s back for this INFINITY WAR jawn.

Actor: Anthony Mackie
Giant: Nick Hundley
Actual WAR: 10.8
INFINITY WAR: Falcon is Captain America’s other sidekick. And at some point in the comics I think he becomes Captain America. That’s like when Hundley catches on days Buster Posey has off. That’s it. That’s the only way I want to connect these two characters.

Actor: Sebastian Stan
Giant: Mac Williamson
Actual WAR: -0.1
INFINITY WAR: Like Bucky Barnes, we all thought Mac Williamson had been lost to time. Like the Winter Soldier, Mac Williamson has been reprogrammed to become a remorseless killing machine. Like White Wolf, he is desired by Leslie Jones. And, finally, again, like Bucky Barnes, he’s best pals with Captain America.

Actor: Danai Gurira
Giant: Sherry Davis
Actual WAR: 0.0
INFINITY WAR: Fearless. Powerful. Trailblazing. The first woman stadium announcer in MLB history should absolutely be related to a fierce warrior.

Actor: Letitia Wright
Giant: Renel Brooks-Moon
Actual WAR: ∞
INFINITY WAR: As Shuri was the breakout character from BLACK PANTHER, so to has been Renel the breakout character of the Bay Area. She is a charismatic force who maintains the fabric of Giants fandom, a single voice cutting through the foggy nights and the genius who helps power a city... just like the genius sister character from these comic book movies.

Actor: Dave Bautista
Giant: Brandon Crawford
Actual WAR: 18.9
INFINITY WAR: The character is incapable of understanding jokes or hyperbole, much like how I imagine Brandon Crawford pretends to be. But Crawford’s monotone voice suggests an intensely literal mindset, and that perfectly fits the otherwise brave and strong Drax character.

Actor: Zoe Saldana
Giant: Amy Gutierrez
Actual WAR: 0.0
INFINITY WAR: Another fierce warrior who has traveled the galaxy and knows all the behind the scenes secrets to help guide those Avengers who are just trying to keep up. Amy G not only gathers information and our trust, she shows she’s part of the team every day.

Actor: Josh Brolin
Giant: Hunter Strickland
Actual WAR: 2.8
INFINITY WAR: A selfish rage monster with his own logic for destroying the universe to remake in his image, Hunter Strickland has literally ruined lives and played fast and loose with reality. Thanos has held a grudge for perhaps hundreds of years. He’s the biggest villain the Avengers have ever faced. He’s the biggest villain the Giants have ever had on their own team. Imagine if Hunter Strickland were to live 700 more years. What would he do to the descendants of Bryce Harper? What sort of collateral damage would he create for our Giants Avengers?

Actor: Chris Pratt
Giant: Pablo Sandoval
Actual WAR: 18.3
INFINITY WAR: A guy who thinks he’s more suave than he really is, but has just enough charm and kindness in his heart to get by. Pablo and Star Lord even share having a surrogate father figure (Bruce Bochy and the Ravager captain Yondu, respectively) and were estranged from their home some time before returning to set things straight.

Actor: Bradley Cooper
Giant: Ty Blach
Actual WAR: 1.6
INFINITY WAR: He’s the utility guy who knows how to get out of all the tricky situations but he’s usually the reason why his teammates are in that tough spot in the first place. I also like to imagine Ty Blach screaming at people with a weird Brooklyn accent.

Actor: Paul Rudd
Giant: Austin Jackson
Actual WAR: 19.1
INFINITY WAR: Easy to forget he’s around because he’s able to shrink from the spotlight, but he has skills you’ll need when you least expect it.

Actor: Jeremy Renner
Giant: Evan Longoria
Actual WAR: 48.5
INFINITY WAR: We’re not sure if Hawkeye will show up in this movie or not because there hasn’t been any publicity to indicate as much. However, if he does show up, figure his appearance to have some sort of significant impact. Evan Longoria feels like Baseball’s Jeremy Renner and I think if he manages to lay low on the roster for most of the season, he’ll reappear at some point down the line and come up big when it really counts.

Actor: Vin Diesel
Giant: Derek Holland
Actual WAR: 11.3
INFINITY WAR: Derek Holland probably does a pretty solid impression of Groot.

Actor: Tom Hiddleston
Giant: Mark Melancon
Actual WAR: 9.2
INFINITY WAR: Loki’s a trickster, constantly fooling his good brother Thor. Mark Melancon is an expensive closer constantly fooling his good brother Madison Bumgarner and the rest of the Giants into thinking he’s going to save the day.

There’s no question that the Giants have what it takes to survive the INFINITY WAR. Will these puny Marvel characters and Hollywood actors be able to say the same?