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Tim Lincecum is signing soon, and the Dodgers are one of the finalists

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Eep.

San Francisco Giants v Los Angeles Dodgers Photo by Victor Decolongon/Getty Images

According to Jon Heyman, Tim Lincecum will choose his new team soon. The deal is expected to be a major-league deal (AS REPORTED HERE, SUCKERS), and the Giants aren’t as interested as some of the other teams in the hunt. None of this is a surprise. The last update pretty much took the Giants out of the running.

There is still a surprise for us, though! Gimme that surprise.

The Dodgers and Rangers are among teams that are willing to give Lincecum a major league deal.

NO. I TAKE IT BACK. DON’T GIMME THAT SURPRISE.

While this is obviously terrifying, I’m still supremely skeptical that Lincecum would want to wade through the half-dozen options ahead of him on the Dodgers’ depth chart if he wants to start, major-league deal or not. There are easier paths to a rotation, and the Rangers are one of them. So are the Giants, but I guess we’ll have to let that dream go. We’ve already had our Vogelsong for this century.

Imagine yourself being visited in 2009 by a vaguely brimstone-smelling fellow offering you a deal. You would be offered three (3) championships in a five-year stretch. What would you give up for that?

Watching the superstar fan favorite get mangled at a play at the plate between two of the championships.

Deal.

The Dodgers winning every NL West title for 25 years.

Deal.

A horrific collapse after finishing the first half with baseball’s best record.

Deal.

One of the worst teams you’ll ever see stumbling through an absolutely cursed turd of a season.

Deal.

Tim Lincecum disappearing and coming back with the Dodgers, as he helps them win their first World Series since 1988.

Deal.

Clay Bellinger’s kid breaking Barry Bonds’ single-season home run record with a shot that lands in McCovey Cove.

Deal.

Tommy Lasorda kissing your mother on the lips.

...

And you have to make the picture the lock screen on your phone.

...

C’mon. Three championships.

Deal.

The point is that this can get worse before it gets better. Someone agreed to this, all of this, before the 2010 World Series, and that person is a hero. But we have some interest payments to make. And it might get really gross. There’s absolutely nothing we can do to stop it.

On the other hand, there has to be a team that’s a better fit than the Dodgers. I get that they have the contending status and the West Coast location, but it certainly isn’t where I would go if I were a pitcher trying to build innings and show off.

Rangers, my man. Rangers.

And I still think the Padres are the ultimate best fit, which would be unfortunate, but not as unfortunate as it would have been without this rumor.

So that’s the Lincecum update. Will the Giants start to sweat at the rumored Dodgers interest? Do they even care? Does the universe care? Where does the Faustian bargain end? WHO DID THIS?