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Lessons learned from the 2018 Giants photo day

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Another coach swallowed a bug, and Andrew McCutchen looks good in a Giants uniform.

MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day
this smell ... off to you?
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Hello! Photo Day was Wednesday, and I’m back on my bullpucky again. You may remember me from such Photo Days as this one, this one, or this one. Or you might remember when I spent far too much time investigating the entire genre. Or you might have clicked on this link by accident because you googled “one day photo san francisco.”

Regardless, we have a tradition around here. That tradition is roasting baseball players who were forced to take a bunch of awkward photos.

Not just players. Coaches. There are also coaches who look like they swallowed a bug.

MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

*glunk*

— Dave Brundage

But we knew that one was coming. A coach swallows a bug every year. We’re here to investigate the new, fresh pictures of your 2018 Giants. What have we learned?

Andrew McCutchen looks good in a Giants uniform

Well, yeah.

MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

We had some kind of idea that this was going to happen. My only regret is that this picture will make Pirates fans violently ill. But, really, can’t they help the Giants out just this once?

Anyway, that’s the smile of a person who is happy to be wearing the ol’ French vanilla.

This is a smart, enlightened individual, and we are lucky to watch him play baseball.

If Brandon Belt and Cory Gearrin collide on a pop-up near the mound, they will create a supernova of fur

And when you tried to separate them, it would sound like every fan in the ballpark undoing a velcro strap at the same time.

Here’s Belt:

San Francisco Giants Photo Day Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

And here’s Gearrin:

San Francisco Giants Photo Day Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

If you ever want to know what the Giants are putting out in the clubhouse spread, just get close to one of these guys three days later. It’ll be in there.

Evan Longoria is being used for propaganda posters

MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

And it’s working, dammit. I believe. I will vote for this person and/or buy his product.

Also, when he wasn’t busy comforting the masses, he was also taking mugshots.

MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

He has experience with mugshots. Don’t forget that Longoria he was arrested after catching up to the guy who stole his cap and beating him without mercy. He spent most of 2012 in prison.

People forget this.

EDIT: The “lawyers” at SB Nation would like me to point out that Longoria’s cap was not really stolen, he was never arrested, that was a commercial, and that I made that last part up. Way to kill the joke, you dorks.

Tyler Herb still looks like this guy Tyler Herd from high school, except he used to get high all the time, so we called him “Tyler Herb”, and, waaaaait a sec, Tyler? Are you the actual Tyler Herb from Monroe High? Dude! I thought that was you! Tyler, bro, what. is. up?

MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Nothin’ much, man. Just doin’ my thing, just doin’ my thing.

I haven’t seen you since ‘95, man.

Hell yeah, at the, uh, the uh ...

H.O.R.D.E. Festival.

Far out, that’s right. Good times.

Wait, you couldn’t have been at that show. You were born in 1992.

Oh, no way. Weird. Maybe you’re thinking of a different guy?

Yeah, sorry. Sorry about that.

Ha ha, no worries, man!

Ryder Jones looks like a player from 1943

MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

It isn’t just the glassy expression as he stares off into the distance. It’s that he clearly has “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B” stuck in his head.

Here, maybe a recolorized baseball card from 1943 will help you visualize it:

You would get that card in a pack of cigarettes.

It’s 2012 again, which means the Giants will hit about 100 home runs and still win the World Series

MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

The Giants have more players who appeared the 2012 World Series, left, and came back than the Tigers have left total from their 2012 roster.

Also, the Giants have more 2012 Tigers on the roster (one) than the Tigers do. Maybe I should have started there. Either way, the Giants are going to win the World Series this year, while finishing dead last in home runs.

It’s happened before. And it was those three who helped. Bless them.

Were they around in 2014, too? I think so! It’s so hard to keep track.

Madison Bumgarner is the only pitcher who’s allowed to take pictures as a hitter

MLB: San Francisco Giants-Media Day Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Do you think that Chris Stratton also has these pictures? He does not. Just Madison Bumgarner.

He should make a shirt with that picture on it, just to remind his teammates.

This picture exists in my photo tool now

San Francisco Giants Photo Day Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

I’ve always thought of Posey as a U.S. Senator, or a math teacher who really inspired every child who passed through his classroom. It’s this picture that makes me realize he might be a grifter, a high-level con artist, a science-fiction writer who will invent his own religion about aliens and volcanoes and make himself rich.

Look at those eyes. He’s imploring you to trust him, and how can you resist? That’s the most trustworthy face I’ve ever seen.

Too trustworthy, even.

Keep your eye on this guy. He’s a little too perfect, a little too on the nose.

Most importantly, this photo allows me INCREDIBLY HI-RES POSEY FACE, which absolutely no one will ever need, and I’m not sure why one man has this power.

Nobody asked for this. Especially not Posey.

But ... is that an imperfection? Goodness, this changes EVERYTHING.

Oh my stars, that is the Tim Lincecum’s mustache of beards. I am absolutely desperate for him to grow this out. Just let it go full Gearrin and see what happens. Imagine Posey coming up to the plate with, like, 87 different foot-long hairs blowing around in the AT&T Park breeze.

It would be so beautiful. Buster Posey has given us so much, but can’t he afford to give us just a little more?

A play in nine acts

sorry