The Holiday season is upon us, and wouldn’t you know, your favorite baseball boys of the San Francisco Giants have all gotten something for you. They’ve shown up at your house for the holidays each bearing you a gift. Let’s unwrap what each boy got you because not only is the Holiday season upon us, the depths of the offseason are also upon us and nothing else is happening.
It’s a 6-pack of Miller Lite, but one of the beers is missing. From the way he slurs his speech, it’s not hard to deduce where it went. He says he feels bad for drinking one of your beers, so he goes outside to chop firewood for you. You don’t have a fireplace.
Joe Panik made you a coffee mug in his ceramic class. In a crooked scrawl, he’s painted World’s Greatest Mom on the side. You’re fairly confident the handle will snap off if you actually try to drink coffee out of it. He tells you not to put it through the dishwasher. He’s doing his best.
Brandon Belt got you a year-long membership to a yoga studio which your dad loudly proclaims to be lousy and worthless. You, an enlightened individual, recognize yoga’s health and mental benefits and you thank Brandon Belt for this thoughtful gift.
Buster Posey got you an Instant Pot and a Nintendo Switch because Buster can do it all.
DJ B-Craw made you a mix-tape of all the songs that make him think about you. There are some songs on there that make you all warm and fuzzy on the inside from Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” to Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better,” but you’re not really sure how to feel about the inclusion of Trace Adkins’ “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.”
Evan Longoria got you a framed photo of Matt Duffy just so you never forget about him.
You heard a rumor that Slater was going to show up and give you an Apple Watch, but he got you socks. Don’t get me wrong, there are few things better than the feel of new socks, but one of those things is an Apple Watch.
Steven Duggar got you the Apple Watch you thought Austin Slater was going to get you.
Mark Melancon got you tickets to see the Stone Temple Pilots which you’re excited for at first until you realize that the concert is in Buenos Aires, and travel is going to be hella expensive not to mention the time you’ll have to take off work. Then you remember that the lineup isn’t the same since Scott Weiland passed three years ago. Really, Melancon just made you spend a lot of money for something that’s not as good as it used to be.
Johnny Cueto bought you a horse. It’s a beautiful Missouri Fox Trotter with a glossy coat but a horse nonetheless. You try to explain to Johnny Cueto that you appreciate the sentiment, but you can’t keep a horse. You live in the city and you can’t afford a parking space in your building. How are you going to afford a parking space for your horse? He doesn’t listen. He tells you he has another party to get to, so now Johnny Cueto is gone but you still have a horse.
Jeff Samardzija couldn’t make it because he pulled a hammy getting out of bed, but he’s sent you a $25 gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods. You put it in a drawer where you’ll forget about it until April.