Giants play baseball game on holiday

The Giants played a baseball game on a holiday, and I didn’t watch it. I cannot recommend this lifestyle choice enough. I was in a kayak or on a mountain or on a beach or petting otters, look, it doesn’t matter. The point is that I didn’t watch the game that just ended (unless it’s in extra innings and still going on), and any attempts to pretend like I know what happened are fraudulent.

Except, I do know what happened. I have, at the very least, a good idea. Chris Stratton pitched in Coors Field. The Giants hit in Coors Field. The Giants played a baseball game. The recap basically writes itself.

Here’s what I assume happened in the game:

• Stratton pitched well enough for Coors, but he also allowed too many free baserunners. When talking about his performance, it’s mandatory to say something like, “Eh, it was fine ... for Coors.” And it was! Probably. Again, I didn’t watch the game, and it would serve me right if he threw eight shutout innings in one of the best starts of the year. It would serve me right, but I would regret nothing.
• The Giants didn’t score a whole bunch. Three runs, maybe. One solo homer. Maybe a double and a single strung together. But they keep the game close, possibly within two runs, through the sixth inning. Because you are simple, hardy folk, you think to yourself, “Golly, all they need is a bloop and a blast!”, conveniently forgetting that the 2017 Giants are designed to break your heart. Or, rather, they’re designed to be a rash under a cast that you just can’t reach. Why would you do this to yourself on purpose? I didn’t.
• But, again, I didn’t watch it. Maybe this is one of those games where the Giants scored eleventy runs. It can happen at Coors. Do you remember Fred Lewis hitting for the cycle? Of course you do. Maybe this was one of those games, and the Giants won by a bunch. It would serve me right, but I would regret nothing.
• And while you were watching for that bloop and a blast, the bullpen allowed four runs in the later innings and crushed your tiny little dreams. Then you were caught in baseball purgatory — too close to the end of the game to quit on it, too far from the beginning of the game to save your holiday. You finished the game. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Except I can’t fully commiserate. For I did not watch it.
• I got busy living, as the only alternative, friends, was to get busy dying. And I can’t recommend it enough. You actually watched that game, and then you went on the internet to read more about it? Well, I suppose it could have been a great game, in which case I’m very sorry that I didn’t write up a real recap. I would have loved to write about a thrilling win, like Saturday’s game, and if the Giants entertained you with a rousing comeback, or a brilliant pitching performance, I absolutely apologize for having to resort to writing this. But I loved to do whatever it is I did today more.

It’s not 5,000 degrees today. Go outside and frolic. I’ll see you here on Wednesday, even if neither of us is really sure why.