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Amazon is trolling the Giants now

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Well, that’s the last straw. I’m going to give them eight percent of my annual income instead of nine.

Amazon Buys Whole Foods For Over 13 Billion Photo by David Ryder/Getty Images

Amazon, the burgeoning behemoth that will consume us all when Teddy Roosevelt isn’t around to save us, has a product called Echo. If you’re the one person who doesn’t really know what that is, it’s an electronic device that listens to you and everything that happens where you live. When you say the name “Alexa,” you activate a latently murderous death robot that follows your command, such as playing music or ordering 1,000 C batteries with next-day shipping. I enjoy using the “Alexa, play Nile, Annihilation of the Wicked command when I’m at my mom’s house, myself.

And in a recent promotional email touting features that Alexa has, Amazon trolled the Giants and their fans. I’m not even mad. Impressed, really.

The email starts with some suggestions of how to use Alexa.

"Alexa, what's my sports update?"

This is perfect for the coveted demographic of people who are interested enough in sports to set up a personalized sports update on a sentient cylinder, but not interested enough to fish the damned phone out of their pocket and look at sports scores.

"Alexa, who's your favorite superhero?"

Because there’s nothing better than programmed cutesy answers from an AI assistant.

“Alexa, add 'call mechanic' to my to-do list."

While it’s kind of creepy to have an ever-vigilant technopal passively listening to everything you do, I will admit that voice-activated to-do lists are super convenient.

"Alexa, turn the volume to 6."

Again, super convenient. Especially because I had been in the habit of “Alexa, turn it down ... Alexa, turn it down ... Alexa, turn it down” over and over until the desired volume was reached.

“Alexa, how many games back are the Giants?”

I would like to think ... wait, what?

Of all the sports examples they could have used, they chose “How many games back are the Giants?” When was the last time you thought of how many games back the Giants were? It’s my job to follow the team, and I have no idea. 25? 30? After the first dozen, I sort of lose track.

Think of all the examples they could have used instead. Alexa, how many World Series have the Yankees won? Alexa, who is leading the National League West? Alexa, who won the 1948 World Series? Alexa ...

Instead, they asked how many games back the Giants are.

ULTRA HUFFY COMPUTER VOICE: A bunch, okay? It’s not good. Leave me alone. Forget about this entire season.

Either this was the first thing the copywriter could think of (most likely), or this is an Easter Egg planted by a Dodgers fan. They’ve infiltrated every sector of the business community, and it’s very threatening. I have here in my hand, a list of 200 ...

Your mileage may vary, and you might not be that amused with this meaningless news. It amused me, though. It certainly amused me. Amazon could have picked any team. They picked the sad, sad Giants, though. I can’t say if that’s good for their business or not, but it’s at least worth pointing out.