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Aubrey Huff is an actor now

The Giants are a horror show, but one of their former champions has gone the other way to become an action star on the big screen. Let’s talk about it.

San Francisco Giants v Arizona Diamondbacks Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

By now, you’ve heard the news that former Giants first baseman/outfielder (?) Aubrey Huff has announced a new career as an actor. Plenty of professional athletes have attempted this sort of post-career move and I applaud them for it. Being a professional actor and being a professional athlete have many similarities, and the former in some ways prepares one for the latter.

They are single-focus occupations that lavish attention on the individual for the purpose of making them look as good as they possibly can for the greater benefit of some group goal (winning, in the case of sports, making a thing in the case of acting). The ego is stroked, in other words. And in the case of Aubrey Huff, you couldn’t ask for a bigger ego stroke than his debut feature film:

A one-on-one sit down with the film’s director! A contract signing right there at the table! An Instagram post highlighting his direct involvement! This is making the transition from ex-ballplayer to actor a really sweet deal. No need to get stuck in the ups and downs of auditioning, screen testing, or just being a starving/working actor. And what a sweet role for someone who clearly loves action movies. He’s playing a mercenary named Boyd Janko.

Boyd Janko...

Boyd Janko!

Boyd Janko.

That’s the perfect name for a merc and it automatically gives the legendarily bad second baseman an on-camera toughness he’ll have to work extra hard to lose. They say bad writing can be saved by good acting and bad acting will ruin any kind of writing, but naming a character BOYD JANKO automatically lends an authority to that character that’s impossible to overwrite. There’s no need for extensive background work to get into this character. It’s right there in the name.

So, congratulations to you, Aubrey Huff, for making this move and landing this gig. And thank you for giving me something to write about.

First things first: we need to figure out what Demigods is about so we can zero in on Huff’s role. We can assume that Aubrey Huff is not being handed the leading role of a feature film as his big screen debut (::cough:: this is probably going straight to home video). Lawrence Roeck’s first film, Diablo, starred Scott Eastwood and Walton Goggins (who played Boyd Crowder on the TV show Justified on cable net FX, which frequently repeats the 21 Jump Street movie starring Channing Tatum who played a character named Jenko in that movie which suggests that it was a Jump Street / Justified double feature that inspired the name of BOYD JANKO), so, Huff’s role is very likely a supporting one. Which is fine, even though I made a bad poster that supposed Huff was the leading man.

Demigods starring Aubrey Huff

But who or what are these Demigods, then, and how does a team of mercenaries figure into the story? I’m going to guess that this is an Expendables/Suicide Squad/Aliens situation here in that whomever plays the lead role hires BOYD JANKO & CO. to help him or her infiltrate some sort of medical facility or fortress dubbed Mt. Olympus that’s home to genetically enhanced human beings who are bent on destruction and domination, and they’re either holding someone who’s important to our main character hostage or holding some sort of key to stopping something bigger that the hero needs to get. This means that the mercs are probably cannon fodder...

What’s Boyd Janko all about? Sure, he’s the merc team leader, but what’s his special skill? Is he just an all-around badass, or is he the mouth on the team? Is he the glue that holds these disparate personalities together? I’m gonna say Boyd Janko is a tough as nails ex-marine who has experienced a lot of loss in his life, but nothing more painful than losing his family to some drug lords. And these demigods, well, these demigods just remind him of these drug lords. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t take a job like this, but when he sees the symbolic chance for revenge, he decides he has to take it.

And what about the rest of this merc team? What are their names, and can they be played by other baseball players, specifically, current San Francisco Giants?

None of the current Giants should consider extending their professional baseball careers beyond this season, so why not spend some time shooting a feature film instead?

Just spitballing here, but can you imagine...

Nick Hundley as Huck Ransom

Huck is loyal to Boyd. Always has been, always will be. On the day Boyd lost his wife and daughter to the drug lords, Huck lost his sister and his niece.

Brandon Belt as Lugg Flounder

This clutzy giraffe of a merc is the team’s comic relief, albeit unintentionally. He might trip and fall into a hole every so often, but that hole was created by his demolitions expertise.

Hunter Strickland as Sid Stompum

This irascible redneck isn’t one for conversation, reasoning, interpersonal relationships, or mercy. He’s a cold-blooded killer whose lack of boundaries pushes the team when the going gets tough but also serves as a constant reminder of how they can lose themselves in the work if they don’t watch it.

Hunter Pence as Viggy Bladerazor

He’s their hand-to-hand combat expert whose fighting style is unlike anything anyone has ever seen before on Planet Earth. He’s also almost like a human shield, taking so much physical punishment that the team often wonders how he didn’t die.

Finally, and in conclusion, more San Francisco Giants should retire and go into acting or any other profession besides baseball. And in this particular case, if this means that Aubrey Huff is spending less time on social media spouting divisive political ideology and actually doing something new and interesting that probably makes him feel good, I’m very much in favor of it. Break a leg.