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Ranking the funniest ways the Dodgers can fail in the postseason

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This is all we have, and I’m not proud of it. But I have to do me.

MLB: NLCS-Chicago Cubs at Los Angeles Dodgers Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

The Dodgers will win the World Series soon. It’s coming. Prewrite your rants now. Tie up the loose ends that you need to, but it’s coming. This is an organization that’s too smart, too rich, too good at everything to not succeed one of these years. The Braves of the ‘90s are our best-case scenario, but even they got over the hump in 1995. The Dodgers will win. And we’ll have to eat it.

But it would be funny if they didn’t win this year.

The Dodgers are currently 81-33. The Giants lost their 33rd game on May 31. Imagine the Giants going on a winning streak that went through June, July, and the first part of August, and you have a rough sense of what the Dodgers have done. It’s absurd. They’re doing things that haven’t been seen since the 2001 Mariners.

The 2001 Mariners who lost in the ALCS, that is.

You never know who is going to Ssory Clayton the Dodgers, and we should root for every possible candidate. Because it’s slow and the Giants are doomed and the Dodgers are enjoying one of the greatest seasons in a franchise history filled with great seasons, we need a little island of schadenfreude to camp on. This is all we’ll have until the postseason, which will be miserable.

These are the funniest ways the Dodgers can fail in the postseason.

8. Lose to one of the good American League teams in the World Series

Funny, don’t get me wrong! But not that funny. Winning a pennant is still a tremendous achievement, and even though the Dodgers would be roasted for not fulfilling their destiny, I’ll be on my hot-take soapwagon to tell the masses that they still had an incredible season.

If they lose to the Red Sox? Eh, the Red Sox still won. If they lose to the Yankees? Eh, the Yankees still won. I’m very much into the idea of the Indians winning in this scenario, but that still involves the Dodgers winning the pennant, which they haven’t done since 1988.

World Series are very fun, even when you lose. It’s hard to admit after you lose, of course, but there’s the bunting, the buzz in the air, all around where you live, with the focus of the country, of several countries, right on the team that you’ve spent your life following. It’s so fun. Let’s not even hope the Dodgers get that much.

7. Lose to the Nationals in the NLCS

If I get to dictate the terms of this one, I can get it funnier. Kershaw pitching on short rest again, or Jansen blowing a save in the most drewstoren way possible. But as a general scenario, it’s mostly funny because the Dodgers lose to a team that’s brutally cursed in the postseason.

Dusty Baker running out on the field, arms aloft, as the Dodgers walk off, sad, is a beautiful dream, though. Keep this one in mind.

6. Lose to the Cubs in the NLCS

Just because the Cubs were last year’s super team, and they won. To have the Dodgers come back and squeak, “It’s our turn to be the super team and win!” only to have the Cubs deny their request would be outstanding.

This would mean the Cubs in the World Series, but I’m okay with that. The Dodgers would tumble down the hill and have to start all over. And there are absolutely no guarantees they’ll be nearly as good next year. There’s a reason teams don’t win 110 games in back-to-back seasons.

5. Lose to the Diamondbacks in the NLDS

I don’t want to root for the Diamondbacks, but, dammit, I will consider a Baxter the Bobcat tattoo if they can knock the Dodgers out in the first round. It would be glorious.

DODGERS: Ha ha. We have an embarrassment of riches. You see, we have Clayton Kershaw, Yu Darvish, and Alex Wood. And ...

DIAMONDBACKS: [wins three straight behind Zack Greinke, Robbie Ray, and Anthony Banda]

DODGERS: That’s before you get to our lineup, which is beyond reproach. We start with the youngest, most enviable power combination in ... wait, why are the lights off, how can we find the pool if the lights are off?

Please.

4. Lose to the Rockies in the NLDS

This is like the last one, except it involves the doom spectre of Coors Field. Imagine the Dodgers being up 7-1 in Game 3, with everyone in baseball saying, “Oh, here the Dodgers go again. They can’t be stopped.” And then ... Coors.

MLB: Los Angeles Dodgers at Colorado Rockies Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

And Dinger! Don’t forget the Dinger appearances.

It’s not like it can’t happen, either. My biggest fear is the Giants having to play a divisional rival for the 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd time in the postseason, only to get waxed.

I would like to share this fear with my Dodgers friends. Here, you take it. Because you’re going to face either the Diamondbacks or Rockies in a best-of-five series. Good luck with that, even if you do have one of the best teams we’ve ever seen.

3. Lose to whatever second AL wild card team finishes .500 and sneaks into the postseason

Oh, this comes with the same caveat as the ones up there, where the Dodgers make the World Series, and that’s not ideal. But there’s something so delicious about the Dodgers making it all the way to the top, only to lose in seven games to the Rays or Royals or Mariners or Twins. You don’t think it can happen, and you’re probably right. But it could. And it would be super, duper funny.

“And in this tale of the tape, we’re comparing the two rotations. First up, the Dodgers have Clayton Kershaw, one of the greatest pitchers in baseball history, with a legitimate chance of being the greatest pitcher in baseball history by the time he’s done. And the Orioles are countering with ... Ubaldo Jimenez?”

“That can’t be right, Joe.”

“I know, but ... well, we know that Yu Darvish will be going for the Dodgers in Game 2, where he will be opposed by ... Rick Helling? I didn’t even know he was back in the league.”

“He was 0-3 with a 9.84 ERA in three starts after the Orioles signed him in September. They found him working at a bait-and-tackle store that he owned in North Dakota.”

“Huh.”

The Dodgers having an all-time wonder team is acceptable only if it ends like this.

2. Lose to the Giants, who win their final 46 games and dominate the Wild Card Game, in the NLDS

Mathematically possible, guys.

1. Lose to the Cardinals in the NLCS

Oh. Oh, yes. This is the one. This is the perfect scenario, even if it results in the gross Cardinals in the World Series. See, the natural order of the universe goes something like this:

  • The Giants beat the Cardinals in the postseason
  • The Cardinals beat the Dodgers in the postseason
  • The Dodgers beat the Giants in the regular season

It’s a drag when we live through the last one, like this year, but there’s no question that the first one has been very, very good for the Giants recently. And the second one has been very, very good for the Cardinals recently. And the two of them combined have been very, very, very bad for the Dodgers in general.

The Cardinals are getting close to the top of the NL Central. They’re getting close to making the Dodgers’ nightmare a reality. And even though it would end with the Midwest Dodgers winning the pennant, it’s still a worthwhile dream for Giants fans to have.

The Giants have left you very little for which to root in 2017. The Dodgers are at least offering you something to root against. Accept their offer, and root for the funniest way they can possibly lose.