Will the 2017 Giants ever win another game again?

The 2017 San Francisco Giants are a very poor baseball team by the standards of Major League Baseball. Were you aware of that? You were probably aware of that. Still, it needs to be said in every article about them until the season ends, because this is how you will repent for your many sins. Feel glad that you get to do it this way instead of changing your truly repugnant behavior.

The Giants have currently lost four games in a row and have the worst record in baseball. They were swept by the Dodgers over the weekend and last night they lost to the A’s, and let’s be honest here, you don’t really think they’ll win tonight either. Matt Moore gets the start, and hey, just for kicks, let’s go to Fangraphs and check out the worst ERAs in the majors among qualified starters. Well, whaddya know? The Giants are leading the league in something! Plus, the highest WAR of anyone on the first page of highest ERAs belongs to Jeff Samardzija, so really, things are going well in Pitcherland.

Anyway, we come not to sarcastically praise the Giants, but to bury them. Let’s examine this important question. Will this year’s Giants ever win another game?

They’re a major league team. They have to win sometime.

I mean, that’s the argument, right? They have players who, though they’re mostly bad now, are physically capable of occasionally doing good things. Eventually, at some point, enough players have to do good things all at once for them to get a single win. Buster Posey is still a good baseball player. Brandon Belt is still an excellent baseball player. Multiple others show flashes of competence. Worse teams than this have won many games throughout baseball history. They will definitely win a game.

No they don’t.

The Giants are a bunch of idiots who step on their own dicks all the time and they don’t have to ever come together to play one good game. It’s something they’ve already done 40 times this year in 107 tries, which is way, way more often than you would expect, and so they’re probably just done. You’ve watched them lately, right? Every time they do something good, they realize, “Oops, that’s not how that was supposed to go,” and then do like 8 things wrong to make up for it.

Is the starter doing a good job? “You idiot, you’re not supposed to prevent runs. That’s our job,” says the offense, who then don’t score.

Did the offense take a late inning lead? “You idiots, you’re not supposed to score runs. That’s the other team’s job,” says the bullpen. “Now we have to do way more work.” “Here, we’ll help you out with that,” says the defense.

Did the starting pitcher have a good couple innings? “You idiot, you’re not supposed to do that,” he says to himself at the beginning of the next inning. “Better walk the next three guys.”

Did the bullpen just throw several consecutive scoreless innings? No they didn’t. What a stupid concept. Shame on me for even considering it.

Summary

Pro: The Giants will win a game because it’s almost impossible for them not to.

Con: You’ve been watching the Giants, so you know they won’t win another game.