In a season filled with dumb losses, miserable losses, unexpected losses, and inevitable losses, this loss stuck out. It stuck out because of its dumbness, its miserableness, its unexpectedness, and its inevitableness.
[editor whispers into my ear]
No. That’s a word now. New words will be invented for this team. When Shakespeare needed a new word, he got to make one up. I’m not saying that I’m the Shakespeare of baseball writing, but that the Giants are the Shakespeare of being bad at baseball. This one had it all. It was art.
Start with Matt Moore, who needed a good start after a string of miserable starts. He had a good start. Kind of! He allowed two earned runs in seven innings. Which is good! Kind of! It came with a huge, embarrassing asterisk, though, because this is the play that lost the game:
Moore was not charged with an earned run in that inning. I’m of the opinion that he should have been charged for double the earned runs. Vote for me, Baseball Commissioner. I have a lot of ideas. Such as the Giants not being allowed to play baseball until next March. To give us all a break.
There were eight well-struck balls by the Giants against Josh Tomlin that were caught, by my count. Several of them came in the same inning and should have started a rally. . Not sure if that was because of great positioning, poor luck, stellar defense, or some combination of the above. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that Tomlin is the Matt Moore of the Indians this year, struggling mightily, and the Giants didn’t do a danged thing against him, even though they hit the ball hard.
Tomlin threw 79 pitches in 7⅓ innings, and I’m not sure how the Giants worked that many out of him. They were aggressive. They were swinging early. They were hitting the ball hard. But Matt Moore muffed a throw from 25 feet away, so the Giants lost.
Really, the worst part is that Kelby Tomlinson didn’t start and go 0-for-4, which would have meant that Tomlin would have been right to look directly into the camera during a post-game interview and growl, “Who’s your daddy, Tomlinson?”, which would have been against the unwritten rules of baseball, but firmly in the pantheon of obscure, dumb surname jokes.
And it’s at this point that you’ll notice that I’m delirious. Whoever had “July 17” in the pool, collect your prize. Which is a bag of earwigs. I’ve ... been collecting them.
If you’re looking for some positives for this game, well, fine, let’s scrounge some up. Matt Moore pitched well, which is more important than him underhand-tossing it to first well, or bunting well. And in the grand scheme of things, isn’t it more important that Denard Span had three line-drive outs instead of focusing on his dingbat throw home in the hell inning, overshooting his cutoff man in a silly attempt to cut down a fast runner with a rubber-band gun for an arm?
Hunter Pence changed his walk-up music to the Game of Thrones theme, and winter came for his bat. But it was cool at first! That’s a positive we can take from this one.
The sellout streak is over, which means we don’t have to hear about it again. That’s a positive. It was fun for a bit, and there were technical reasons why it was still going on, even when the cameras clearly showed sections of empty seasons, it was tired by the end. As someone who yelled “Cracker Jack!” to 3,000 people who didn’t want Cracker Jack on Tuesday nights at Candlestick, I’m not going to begrudge the Giants for being proud of what they’ve built. Heck, yes, be proud at the crowds. Be proud of the park.
But, well, I’m pretty sure any of us could have walked up to the box office on game night and figured out a way to get in the ballpark by exchanging currency for a ticket.
Let’s see ... more positives ... come on, dammit, think ...
Gorkys Hernandez continues to rake.
The Giants didn’t blow a save.
Buster Posey still exists.
The Giants still won the 1954 World Series.
You’ll see these recaps get shorter and shorter as the season goes on, and that’ll be only partially because I’m running out of ideas and energy. It’s also because I’m assuming that you’re running out of energy and the patience it takes to slog through 1,200 words about the 2017 Giants. The lost a game they should have won because they forgot how to throw to first base from 25 feet away. That’s a new one. I say appreciate this because it’s going to make you a better fan and give you bragging rights when you stick around.
Are you not entertained?
Don’t answer that.