Shohei Ohtani signing with Angels

Shohei Ohtani, the most fascinating free agent in the last 20 years, if not the history of free agency, will not sign with the Giants. He has chosen the Angels, a team that is notable for not being the Dodgers or Padres.

At least it isn’t the Dodgers or Padres, everyone.

Before Ohtani made the decision to come over to Major League Baseball, logic suggested that only an American League team and the DH could accommodate a player who wanted to hit and pitch regularly. Then the list of his seven finalists came out and, whoa, there were four NL teams included. Everything he was looking for — smaller city, West Coast, modern ballpark amenities, a clean slate that wouldn’t force comparisons to previous Japanese stars — seemed to give the Giants the tiniest of chances.

Instead, he’s with the Angels, who could also offer all of those things. Except for the modern ballpark thing. HEY, A BUNCH OF ROCKS IN CENTER FIELD ISN’T THE SAME THING AS A NEW BALLPARK, DAMMIT, sorry, sorry, I’m just a little emotional right now.

The Giants had a three-percent chance of getting Ohtani before the offseason started. They upgraded that to a 14-percent chance, and danged if that wasn’t really exciting. But we’re currently at a zero-percent chance until he signs a $300 million contract and new owners want to trade him.

We’ll still be here for you, Shohei. We’ll still be here for you.

The Giants didn’t necessarily need a potential ace who could have led the team in home runs for the minimum salary, so it’s actually good news. This is fine. This whole offseason is fine, and I, for one, am going to laugh and laugh and laugh when Billy Hamilton steals 100 bases, Matt Moore makes the All-Star team, and Jay Bruce crushes his 40th home run.

More importantly, at least it wasn’t the Dodgers or Padres, everyone. We can at least agree on that much.

and why didn’t felix rodriguez have another pitch other than a fastball, I’ll never understand that, dammit, i need a drink