Here’s the one thing the Giants can’t do at the Winter Meetings

Blackest Friday is over, and the Giants don’t have Giancarlo Stanton or Shohei Ohtani. While it would be socially acceptable to curl up into a ball and unleash a barrage of curse words on Twitter like the rest of us, they’re apparently considering “trying.” Bless them. This is what courage looks like.

There are a lot of things the Giants could do at the Winter Meetings that I wouldn’t mind. Even though J.D. Martinez would cost an enormous sum of money and be a high-risk signing, I would still enjoy watching him play. He’s a fantastically entertaining baseball player. I’m all about the Giants trading for Andrew McCutchen, as long as the prospects and position are right. Heck, I could get behind an Alex Cobb deal. Just watch me.

There are a lot of things the Giants could do that would upset me, but I’m here to talk about just one. And I can’t believe I have to type these words out, but better safe than sorry. Here goes:

The Giants shouldn’t spend millions and millions of dollars on an expensive left-handed power hitter with an on-base percentage around .300.

That sentence doesn’t contain a trace of hot take. It’s like writing, “Honestly, I like my water molecules to have a little hydrogen in them.” It’s obvious. It’s unnecessary. Of course the Giants shouldn’t spend millions and millions of dollars on a left-handed power hitter with an OBP around .300.

The first reason they shouldn’t do this is because left-handed power is worth far less to the Giants than it is to other teams. There is no advantage to having another left-hander banging 400-foot outs or strangely demoralizing triples. The perfect Giants roster would feature several right-handed sluggers without platoon splits.

The second reason they shouldn’t do this is because the lineup is already pretty left-handed already. Joe Panik, Brandon Belt, and Brandon Crawford are all left-handed, and there’s a chance that Chris Shaw and Steven Duggar will have important roles next year. For a team that plays in a park that’s horribly unfair to left-handed hitters, they sure have a large selection of them.

The third reason they shouldn’t do this is because hitters with OBPs near .300 usually don’t help their teams a bunch. If they can field/run like Billy Hamilton, fine, we’ll talk. But lumbering sluggers with questionable defense aren’t likely to hold their value for a long time if they can’t take a walk and wait for their pitch. And, again, their OBPs were low when they weren’t on the Giants. Imagine when they take their left-handed stylings to AT&T Park.

The Giants shouldn’t spend millions and millions of dollars on an expensive left-handed power hitter with an on-base percentage around .300.

Here’s how this would work. The Giants will need a third baseman this winter. They would like to add some power. Ah, they might think! Here is Mike Moustakas, who hit 38 home runs last year, which is literally more than twice as many as anyone on the Giants. This is a perfect fit!

This is when I drop through the skylight and hand Bobby Evans a piece of paper as glass falls around us. On the piece of paper are these words, in 30-point font: “The Giants shouldn’t spend millions and millions of dollars on an expensive left-handed power hitter with an on-base percentage around .300.”

Even before you get to the part where Moustakas would cost the Giants a second-round pick and a fifth-round pick and some of their international bonus money and about $80 million or so, he’s a spectacularly bad fit. He’s a player the Giants would be happy to play if they drafted him. He’s not a player the Giants should go out of their way to acquire.

Here’s another example: The Giants will need an outfielder this year. They would like to add some power. Ah, they might think! Here is Jay Bruce, who hit exactly twice as many home runs last year as anyone on the Giants. This is a perfect fit.

This is when I emerge from behind a palm tree and hand Bobby Evans a piece of paper. On the piece of paper are these words, in 30-point font: “The Giants shouldn’t spend millions and millions of dollars on an expensive left-handed power hitter with an on-base percentage around .300.”

If either player were a brilliant fielder, maybe maybe maybe I would consider plugging my nose and enjoying the dingers. Neither player is a brilliant fielder. They don’t run well. They don’t hit for average. They don’t take a lot of walks. All they do is hit more homers than their peers, and they wouldn’t hit as many in AT&T Park. It’s a bad fit for them, and it’s a horrible fit for the Giants.

If the Giants had a $300 million payroll and didn’t care about money? Heck, go for it. They’re both solid players. If the Giants had a 25-man roster with 24 reliable, excellent players, and they needed just ... one ... more to put them over the top, sure. Spend $100 on a can opener if you’re surrounded by nothing but cans.

For this team, with these needs, and this ballpark, they need to stay far, far away from both Bruce and Moustakas. Get a right-handed slugger with a low OBP if there’s one available for cheap. Get a left-handed slugger if they come with an acceptable OBP. Get a left-handed slugger with a low OBP if they’re willing to take a one-year deal for very little money.

But if we’re talking left-handed, impatient, and expensive? Come on. That’s the trifecta. Be more creative.

The Giants need power, yes. But they also need to be smart. They can have both, but if they can have only one, I’ll choose the smart, please. The Giants shouldn’t spend millions and millions of dollars on an expensive left-handed power hitter with an on-base percentage around .300. This should not be controversial.