I don’t dress up for Halloween, mostly because I hate it. Do you know what it’s like to be two years younger than everyone in college, which means your friends go out to the bars on your birthday and leave you to fend for yourself, unless they make a point of not going to the bars just for you, which makes you feel worse? No. No, you do not. Today should be about me. Just me. And all of you Halloween-loving dorks mess that up.
Hey, is it time for cake and presents? It sure is. Let’s have some DING DONG whoops, okay, well now let’s really have some DING DONG ha ha, they just keep coming, okay, we’ll start with DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG.
Horrid holiday.
WIFE: I’m so sorry you won’t be home with the kids on Halloween.
ME: ...
WIFE: What?
ME: ...
WIFE: Did I say something wrong? I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. We all understand.
ME: ...
WIFE: Oh. I, uh, meant, I’m so sorry you’ll be alone on your birthday. That’s the real tragedy, here. Yeah.
Just the dumbest holiday. It should be about me. ME. And it never is.
ANYWAY, the point I was getting at is that Hunter and Lexi Pence’s couples costume is amazing.
“You raaang?” pic.twitter.com/ky8dQIMI3M
— Hunter Pence (@hunterpence) October 31, 2017
That would be Lurch and Cousin Itt from The Addams Family, in case you’re a young. Last year’s costumes were also remarkably accurate, as were the costumes the year before. The Pences almost make me like Halloween.
I can’t stop looking at Pence’s Lurch. That is an incredible Lurch, and I applaud his commitment to cutting his hair and shaving whenever the costume dictates. He is a gift.
Now leave me alone. I’m going to eat this entire bag of 100 Grand and wash it down with booze.