Giants drubbed by Padres, 7-2

The Giants lost on Friday night, 7-2, spoiling a chance to gain ground in the National League Wild Card race. Albert Suarez allowed a three-run homer before getting a single out. While he settled down and didn’t allow another run, he was relieved by Matt Reynolds, who was absolutely dreadful, walking in a ...

Hi, I’d like to think I follow the Giants pretty closely, but that paragraph didn’t make a lick of sense.

Uh, kind of in the middle of something.

What’s an Albert Suarez? And isn’t Matt Reynolds that rando from the Diamondbacks years ago? Or is it a new Matt Reynolds?

No, same Matt Reynolds, but who are you?

I’m you. But I ate a plate of blue cheese that was in my fridge, but it turns out it was just regular cheese that looked like that, and after hallucinating there were cheese scarabs that wanted to carry me off to their scarab cheese queen, I crawled into my dishwasher, woke up, and found myself here.

Wow. When was this?

January 2, 2016.

My word. There’s so much we have to talk about.

Just shook off the hangover from a big ol’ New Year’s party. Even yearrrrrrrrr! Wooooo! Ha ha, welcome to 2016!

Oh. Oh, no.

Tell me about Albert Suarez. He’s that second-round pick from a couple years back, right? Awesome! Rose through the ranks pretty quickly, then.

No, this is a different guy, not Andrew. This is a random minor league free agent who had a decent start in Triple-A, which got him on the 40-man roster, and he ended up sticking around as a poor man’s Yusmeiro Petit, if you can imagine such a thing.

But wasn’t Yusmeiro Petit a poor man’s ...

Yusmeiro Petit is a god among men, you shut your mouth.

Right, sure, sorry. But how is it September and this Suarez guy is still starting? Did something happen to Bumgarner? Cueto? Samardzija? Probably Cueto. Knew he was damaged goods.

They’re all about as good as expected. Cueto is outstanding.

Then why are they starting this Suarez guy? And why is Matt Reynolds the first one to replace him in a crucial September game?

Let’s see ... Cain was worse than ever, and Jake Peavy wasn’t much better. The Giants traded for Matt Moore, though, and he’s been erratic, if helpful.

Wow! Who did they give up?

And Clayton Blackburn had a decent enough season, but nothing that made the Giants feel like they had to call him up. Tyler Beede made some real breakthroughs, but he’s still pretty raw.

So how many prospects did they have to trade for Moore?

Ty Blach had a fine season, but in that inimitable low-strikeout kind of way. Chris Heston was ineffective and hurt.

They must have given up a lot of prospects. Which prospects were they?

The point is that the Giants still have an open fifth starter’s slot, and Suarez has been just cromulent enough to stick around. He wasn’t dreadful.

Why Matt Reynolds, though? Is he good now?

Not so much, and I’m not sure why he was in the game. I don’t know anything about him, really. I think Bochy was looking for a bridge to the sixth inning, which is reasonable. But then after a couple quick hits, he had Reynolds walk the bases loaded with no outs, which is just abominable. You take the flexibility away from the pitcher and force him to be perfect. If you wouldn’t walk a non-Bonds with the bases empty and no outs, why would you put Wil Myers on first to load the bases with no outs?

So the Giants lost because of Suarez and Reynolds, two random free agents who aren’t even in the organization where I’m from, and now they’ve lost ground in the wild card race. Unbelievable.

Yes ... and no. Those two pitchers made a mess of things in different ways, but the Giants had two runs and four hits. This is a recurring theme. This team is the 2009 Giants without all that distracting power.

No, no, no, no. This team can hit. That’s their strength. They were awesome last year. What about Panik?

Unlucky and struggling.

Posey?

Probably hurt more than he lets on. If we’re lucky.

Pence?

Fine. Missed some time, but fine. Nothing much.

Belt?

Slumpy.

Crawford?

Slumpy, but he gets a pass from everyone because he’s not literally slumpy with his body.

Duffy?

The thing about it is that they really were good last year. And it’s not like they were doing it with wacky BABIPs or anything. They were excellent. A line-drive factory that sent line drives to your face through the mail. And in the first half, they were fine.

Then they got bit by a burriss spider, all of them, and now they’re the worst team in baseball, give or take. They can’t win when their ace is on the mound. And they can’t win when their fifth starter pitches like a fifth starter.

Fun fact: The Giants are 48-10 when they allow two runs or fewer. They’re 33-63 when allowing three runs or more, including being 10-12 when they allow exactly three runs.

That’s not a fun fact. Give me an actual fun fact.

G.I. Joe is called "Action Man" in the United Kingdom.

Ha ha ha [claps]

The Giants need to pitch perfectly if they want to win. And that puts pressure on the starters, which puts pressure on relievers, which puts even more pressure on hitters. It’s a vicious cycle, and they’re stuck in it. And it makes them awful.

But you say they’re in position for a wild card spot.

Sure, but

Not ideal, I get it. I thought they had a chance at the division. But with eight games left, isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t there hope?

There is no hope. There is only decay.

Where were they with eight games left in 2014?

They ... let’s see ... they lost a one-run game to the Padres at Petco Park, and they were in position to win a wild card slot, even though they blew a huge division lead earlier in the year.

And what happened?

Not playing your games. This is different. This team is terrible. Terrible! They can’t hit the ball farther than the warning track. These are not the 2014 Giants.

We didn’t think that about the 2014 Giants, either.

They just got shut down by Edwin Jackson.

Oh, shit.

There was a moment where there was a double with a runner in scoring position, and it seemed like they had a shot, but then it ended up being a really sad double. Like, that’s the only highlight of the night? Against Edwin Jackson, who wasn’t exactly pitching very well?

I don’t care. When the calendar turns to October. This team will be different. They’ll start getting the clutch hits. Bochy will work his magic.

Dude, he’s lost right n

They’ll start crushing the ball, even if they aren’t right now. Panik will get hot. Posey will get hot. Duffy will get hot.

Aw, man, look

You’re telling me that in an even year, the Giants are in position for a postseason spot, and they actually have more than one good starter? Man, that’s just what I wanted to hear back in January.

They’re terrible. Absolutely awful. They have the worst record in the National League in the second half by about 30 games.

Eeeeeeven yearrrs. Thoughts arrive like butterflieeessssss. Oh, heeee don’t knowwowww. So he chases them awaaayayayaaayyyy

You’re going to be so sad. You’re going to be so very sad.

I’ll take my chances. Hold on, though, I have to write up this Yulieski Gurriel rumor. Best of luck!

I miss your innocence. I miss your youth and cocksure attitude. I miss January. And I also miss the time before I watched a Good Eats marathon and realized that all these bits are just as cheesy as the average Alton Brown bit.

But I can’t agree with you. This team can’t possibly make it through the gauntlet to the Wild Card Game, then win that and make it to the Division Series, then beat the clearly superior Cubs, then move on to the NLCS and beat the clearly superior Nationals or Dodgers, and, oh god, imagine a Giants/Dodgers NLCS, and then move to the World Series, where they’ll beat the pennant winners in the American League. It’s just not possible. This is a bad baseball team.

You’re such a baby. You’re spoiled, the worst stereotype of Giants fan. Was it over when Mat Latos bombed ...

Okay, well, anyway, I have to go pickle a few things that I’ve been meaning to pickle, this has been fun, and I’m going to stop watching baseball, bye.

Good talk.