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Assembling the Giants' Suicide Squad

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The Giants have faced some memorable villains over the years. What if someone really wanted to inflict maximum damage on the souls of Giants fans and assembled them into a comic booky squad of villains? Who'd be featured?

This face also serves as a nifty reminder that the Giants are playing in Miami this week.
This face also serves as a nifty reminder that the Giants are playing in Miami this week.
Marc Serota/Getty Images

Lately, the Giants' worst enemy has been the Giants, but before the second half of the 2016, there was a strong list of players who could lay claim to being the worst villain in Giants history. But because this article seeks to ride the coattails of the latest superhero movie, the hit film Suicide Squad, we're not going to try to figure out the greatest villain in Giants history, we're going to assemble the greatest squad of villains in Giants history.

This was also a bit that we did on the Chroncast last night that got lost in a really terrible recording error by Bryan himself, that moronic piece of garbage. It turns out that Windows 10, Skype, and Callnote all have their own idea of what constitutes a recording device. The only thing worse than Windows 10, Skype, and Callnote, though, are these members of the Giants' Suicide Squad.

1. Scott Spiezio

Crime

You might think that the Rally Monkey would make a more fitting selection for the first squad position, but why not go with the human embodiment of said monkey? He started the rally that led to the Giants' demise in the 2002 World Series. A multi-pitch at bat against fastball-only throwing reliever Felix Rodriguez that ended in a 3-run home run to cut the Giants' 5-run lead.

He dyes his soul patch red. This is canon.

And then there's the matter of his band, Sandfrog. If you were too young to watch the 2002 World Series coverage, the band was featured prominently in the video packages before, during, and after the game, but it never seemed like a jam band a la Tim Flannery's. More like a performance piece that Orin from "Parks and Recreation" might do.

He will always be a villain to the Giants, to facial hair, and to music.

Code name: SANDFROG

2. Bobby J. Jones

Crime

The 46th-best player in New York Mets history pitched in 3 postseason games and threw exactly 18 postseason innings. 9 of those were against the San Francisco Giants in Game 4 of the 2000 NLDS. A 1-hit shutout that ended the Giants' season.

That year he had a 5.06 ERA and a 5.18 FIP. The year before he had a 5.61 ERA, the year after he had a 5.12 ERA. He also had 19 losses in 2001. Did he really beat the Giants, or did Sonny Jackson not testing Benny Agbayani's throwing arm have something to do with it? And what about Shawn Estes pitching a poor game or Dusty Baker not using Robb Nen in a tie game? No, no...

We can't consider the Giants being bad here, that would be too easy. Bobby J. Jones was the Mets' Mark Gardner but in Game 4 of the 2000 NLDS, he was Greg Maddux.

Code name: JAYBIRD

3. Scott Cousins

Crime

For those of you who don't remember (and, come on, you all remember), In 2011, he broke Buster Posey's ankle and, uh, f*** him. That 2011 team could've been something special. The pitching was incredible. The pitching on that team is what we've been optimistically hoping the 2016 would be like for the rest of this year. If every pitcher on the current staff played to their potential, that is.

The Giants' pitching in 2011 was historically great. If they just had, you know, an All-Star catcher, especially once Carlos Beltran came aboard, then their fortunes might've been different. So besides one player ruining the Giants' entire season in a single play, there was strong physical and emotional trauma. There was Posey's shattered ankle and the very real possibility that his career would be in jeopardy and also the image of Posey clawing at the dirt in agony.

Was launching himself at Posey a clean baseball play? It certainly brought to boil the simmering issue of plays at home plate, and was a key event in a series of key events that led to rule changes, so even Major League Baseball considered him to be a villain. His punishment is having his entire career summed up in one play.

Code name: STAR KILLER

4. Bobby Richardson

Crime

If you've never heard the story of how the Giants lost the 1962 World Series, then here it is in brief: the Giants had their most famous sluggers on this team (Mays, McCovey, Cepeda, Alou) and had the Yankees on the ropes in the bottom of the ninth of game seven, trailing 1-0. Willie McCovey faced off against the Yankees' tired right-handed starter Ralph Terry (who had a perfect game through 6.2 innings) in a stroke of luck that would ultimately be the Giants' last.

McCovey scorched a line drive past Terry but right into Richardson's glove. The story goes that the second baseman was playing slight out of the standard positioning for the middle infielder. And this was before the era of SMRT DEFENSIVE SHIFTS, so it wasn't an audible. Indeed, the story goes, the umpire on the infield had asked Richardson if he could have Richardson's hat to give to his little cousin after the game. Per Richardson, the ump asked him that question just as McCovey came to the plate.

Helluva time to ask and maybe we should be putting that ump in the squad instead of Richardson, because apparently, this brief conversation caused Richardson to drift slightly from his positioning and align him almost perfectly with McCovey's liner, thus ending the Giants' best bid for their first world championship in San Francisco.

Code name: DICKHEAD

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A four-man squad isn't *that* villainous. We thought we'd open it up to the floor. Who would you nominate as the fifth member of the Giants' Suicide Squad?

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