There are important things to write about, there are frivolous things to write about, and then there are unfathomably necessary things to write about. This is the latter.
I would like to present you with a picture. It is, perhaps, one of the best pictures the internet has ever graced us with:
THE MAN OF THE HOUR..... the Ichiro Suzuki— Marlins_Man (@Marlins_Man) August 11, 2016
Mr. 3000 pic.twitter.com/rGyLz7qGR4
Let’s unpack this just a little.
1. Marlins Man wearing a custom Marlins Man blazer
It had to be custom made, of course, and that could not have been cheap. But this was a charity gala, so one does not just show up in a t-shirt and Marlins visor. One needs a Marlins blazer to go with the Marlins visor. It makes perfect sense until you think about it too long and blood comes out of your ears.
If this were the only interesting part of the picture, it would be good for a retweet. Marlins Man in a custom Marlins blazer. How about that?
2. Sexy, graying Ichiro in a soccer jersey with goggles on top of his head
Sexy, graying Ichiro has been a fascination of mine for a while, and he gives the Blue Steels that other players wish they had in their arsenal. He also showed up to the gala in a soccer jersey and gigantic, shiny goggles. For obvious reasons.
If this were just a picture of a beblazered Marlins Man with Ichiro, it would have been good for a retweet and a like
3. Barry Bonds choking on a canapé in the background
Here. This is what makes it art. This is what takes it from retweetable to sublime. Let’s zoom in.
Now you have it all. You have Marlins Man in a blazer. You have sexy, graying Ichiro looking as cool as ever, and you have Barry Bonds with MURDEROUS GLEE in the background. Unless he’s choking. Someone should probably check on Bonds. Or the person he was murdering.
Anyway, I was writing about something else, and then I had to write about this. I’ll go back to writing about something else. But you woke up every morning for years without realizing that you needed a picture of Marlins Man in a Marlins blazer with sexy, graying Ichiro, while a maniacal, rampaging Barry Bonds photobombed them.
Then you realized you needed it. And I hope I’ve filled that void. Thank you.