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Nolan Arenado kills the Giants, and it's time to explore that idea

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After hours of research, I've come up with several true facts about Nolan Arenado's success against the Giants

Bob Stanton-USA TODAY Sports

Nolan Arenado is a jerk. Not personally, but in a baseball sense. This is indisputable, and it should be a point of pride for him. He absolutely humiliates the Giants, and he feels far less remorse than he should. I am in favor of the Rockies trading Arenado to the Blue Jays, but they are not cooperating or answering my emails. Until that day, we just have to suck it up and take it.

Oh, look at that, the Giants are going to play the Rockies in Colorado this weekend, cool. Since this is "Grant Is Timid and Frightened by Other Players Day" on McCovey Chronicles, I have spent the entire afternoon doing research. I would like to present my findings to you. Here are some very true facts about Arenado:

  • Of Nolan Arenado's 84 career home runs, 85 of them have come against the Giants

  • If Nolan Arenado makes a misplay or an error against the Giants, the umpires are required to overturn the play after reviewing it on replay. We are still waiting for this rule to be tested.

  • If a Giants hitter reaches on a hit that gets through the infield, Nolan Arenado can throw a baseball so hard that it reverses the spin of the Earth, turning back time and allowing himself to be positioned better

  • According to MLB Rule 6.01 (c), the Giants are not allowed to throw Nolan Arenado anything other than hanging breaking balls, losing one future first-round draft pick for each violation

  • According to MLB Rule 6.01 (d), Giants pitchers are required to yell their desired location for each pitch to Nolan Arenado before it's thrown, with all runners advancing a base if they forget to include "sir" after telling him the location.

  • According to MLB Rule 6.01 (e), upon seeing that Nolan Arenado has fielded one of their ground balls, Giants runners are required to roll around in a fetal position, sucking their thumb, until Arenado himself picks the runner(s) up and throws them into space

  • Nolan Arenado was on deck when Salvador Perez popped out

  • The Rockies' radio play-by-play announcer is famous for his home run call of "Nolan Arenado has proven, yet again, that (Giants pitcher) is his family's greatest shame, and I am embarrassed to work in the same stadium as him, just as Arenado surely is."

  • Nolan Arenado often walks through the Giants' clubhouse before games, licking every cold cut in the pre-game spread and throwing them on the floor, where they will remain until the day's starting pitcher walks over and puts them in his pocket

  • Nolan Arenado was given Tim Lincecum's talent by a dark mage, and it whispers to him from the glowing pouch he wears around his neck.

  • Nolan Arenado is at your home right now, petting your dog, who likes him much better than you

  • Nolan Arenado is capable of swallowing Giants pitchers whole like Kirby, spitting them out when he wants to harm his enemies

  • The dumbest post in McCovey Chronicles history was inspired by how well Nolan Arenado hits Giants pitching

  • Okay, that last one is true

  • When Nolan Arenado rides Bruce Bochy to work before every Giants/Rockies game, Bochy is forced to yell "I'm a Pegasus! I'm a Pegasus!" over and over again

  • One time, Nolan Arenado stood at the plate with his hand held up like he was calling time, and he stared at the pitcher for a full minute, after which he declared that he hit an inside-the-mind home run and walked back to the dugout. The Rockies were awarded six runs

  • Clayton Kershaw exists because Nolan Arenado melisandred him into existence, and I implore you not to visualize this

  • Welp, too late

  • Nolan Arenado once told Brian Wilson, "Please, no more Chuck Norris jokes," and Wilson was quiet for an entire hour

Well, that's enough of that. If you have contributions to Nolan Arenado Facts, please keep them to yourself, because this was a dumb idea. I started this post as a way to look up the best active hitters against the Giants (Alex Rodriguez has a 1.290 OPS against them in 94 plate appearances) and got carried away. When that search made me find out that Jose Castillo is still active in the Mexican Leagues and has a career .937 OPS against the Giants, I shut it down.

If I had any pride at all, I would be very sorry.

Enjoy Coors Field, everyone.