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No, Barry Bonds didn't have anything to do with Dee Gordon's suspension, you horrible pig-people

This is just the dumbest thing ...

Neville E. Guard-USA TODAY Sports

We watched Barry Bonds do otherworldly things while he was taking things that gave him a competitive advantage over some of his peers. We enjoyed those otherworldly things. If our punishment is that we have to deal with stupid opinions and takes for the rest of our lives, well, we got the better end of the deal.

And if you want stupid opinions and takes about Barry Bonds being the hitting coach for Dee Gordon, who was just suspended 80 games for performance-enhancing drugs, you can find them.

Can you imagine living in this world? Can you imagine making that correlation, dusting off your hands, and thinking, "WELL, I'VE SOLVED THIS INTRICATE MYSTERY"? Can you even concoct a realistic scenario in which Bonds would be a part of this?

I will try. But only because I care about you.

Jeffrey Loria: I need you to help with this team, Barry. We need you.

Loria: /taps side of nose

Barry Bonds: This is an exciting opportunity, and I ...

Loria: /winks

Bonds: ... think my vast knowledge of hitting is something that I can share ...

Loria: /elbows Bonds

Bonds: Oh, you want me to distribute drugs! Right, right, sorry, yeah, let me just reach into my fanny pack and get the fat vial of Clostebol that I always carry with me.

Bonds: /licks fingers after removing vial

Bonds: mmmnnnnmmmm

Maybe it didn't come from the top, then. Maybe this is just Bonds helping the only way he knows how.

Bonds: Everyone listen up, team meeting. As you all know, I was just some guy working in a car wash, and then I took performance-enhancing drugs and became a golden god. I set records and made millions of dollars, and nothing bad ever happened to me as a consequence.

Tour guide: Barry, this is a ballpark tour.

Bonds: So I've been thinking. Everyone here should take steroids.

Bonds: /reaches into fanny pack, pulls out vial of Clostebol

Fan on tour: Okay.

Before Bonds showed up, the Marlins were in the fifth grade. They were like, "Steroids, what are those?" When he showed up, they were in the seventh grade and totally willing to smoke Clostebol behind the gym. He just needed to convince them.

Bonds: Look, Dee, you can be a star. You're a batting champion and an All-Star, but you can be so much more. All you need is a little help.

Bonds: /slides pamphlet across table


Dee Gordon: I don't know, man. I was already pretty good. I won the batting title last year! And I was clearly not on steroids then because you weren't my hitting coach.

Bonds: Listen, if you pass this chance up, people will think you're crazy. You have a chance to learn about steroids from the master. People won't understand. They'll walk around, saying, "Oh, Dee's crazy for turning Bonds down and not winning the MVP."

Gordon: Well ...

Bonds: You know what they'll say. They'll say, "Dee's nuts!"

Gordon: I guess if you think it's a good idea ...

It's all so very logical! Except for the fact that Gordon tested positive in spring training. Like Bonds just showed up from the airport and said, "LOOK NO TIME TO EXPLAIN, JUST PUT THIS NEEDLE IN YOUR BUTT."

People are making jokes, and jokes are fine. It's the least that Bonds deserves. But there are people who are very serious about this correlation.

Those people are not smart. Good luck with your new gig, Barry Bonds, and dammit, Dee Gordon.