Pablo Sandoval lost his starting job with the Red Sox

On Tuesday, I assured you that I wouldn't write up every piece of Pablo Sandoval news. Like the best and most sensible of New Year's resolutions, that lasted two days. This time, though, I assure you, it's newsworthy. For the formerly beloved three-time champion and captain of the hat industry has lost his job.

Pablo Sandoval is going to make $17.6 million to pinch-hit this year.

This does not fill me with joy, as I'm still rooting for the guy. At the same time, I was banging that bring-Panda-back drum as loudly as anyone, and news like this makes me think things like, "Whew!" and "OH MY WORD" and "Whew!" Can you imagine what the Giants would be like right now? Matt Duffy would be scrapping for time in left to start the season (because we wouldn't know how good he really was), and there would be no Jeff Samardzija. It would be a mess.

The alternate history is terrifying enough just thinking about the hot takes. We wouldn't be half-worried about the rotation right now. We'd be full worried about Sandoval's weight, and the worrying would have started in February. Maybe Sandoval would have lost his job to Duffy toward the end of last year, or in spring training this year. But he still would have had the contract. And everyone would have brought it up every three seconds.

Instead of dwelling on the sad, negative alternate histories or the sad, negative reality in which Sandoval actually lives, let's turn this into a positive. Let's do something that's ...

Oh, it's the Mayor of the Internet!

Mr. Mayor! It's an honor, sir.

Mayor of the Internet: /unfurls scroll

Mayor of the Internet: And so it is, on this day, March 31, the day of Pablo Sandoval's final fall from grace, that I hereby proclaim this to be a baseball holiday, celebrated the world over. Henceforth, every March 31 will be known as Matt Duffy Appreciation Day, in honor of the Giants' starting third baseman that no one expected, but all have enjoyed. Let us appreciate the player who made us forget about ... you know ... that other player, who makes us sad.

Wow, thanks, Mr. Mayor! I can get behind this. On every March 31, we'll tell Matt Duffy stories around the campfire and swap Matt Duffy-themed gifts. Do you remember that time Duffy hit a double into the gap? I do. It was a good double.

Appreciate what we have. Remember what we could have had. That could have been us, man. That could have been us.

I can't believe just how quickly this all caught on fire for Sandoval. Hopefully this is a klaxon that echoes in his brain, and he's already in the first third of a montage.