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Giants release full 2016 promotional schedule

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There will be a Bruce Bochy gnome and some sort of ... Hunter Pence solar bobblebody?

You know baseball season is close when your favorite team announces their schedule of promotions and giveaways. And, because you're a Giants fan, you lucky soul, you know you're getting one of the more creative promotional schedules in baseball. It's time to take a look at the stuff that will go for way too much money on eBay. Here's your 2016 Giants promotional schedule:

Date Promotion
Thu, April 7 Opening Day Calendar presented by AT&T
Fri, April 8 Opening Night Fireworks
Sat, April 9 Beat LA Flag presented by Coca-Cola
Sun, April 10 Madison Bumgarner Cap
Fri, April 22 Two Flaps Down Cap
Sat, April 23 Matt Duffy Bobblehead
Sun, April 24 Joe Panik Backpack
Sat, May 7 Brandon Crawford Bobblehead
Sun, May 8 Mother’s Day Quilted Tote Bag
Sat, May 21 MLB Playball Weekend
Sun, May 22 Buster Posey Kids Hamper
Fri, June 10 Orange Rally Rags
Sat, June 11 1986 Giants Team Reunion
Sun, June 12 Vintage Grey Cap
Fri, June 24 Fireworks Night
Sat, June 25 Madison Bumgarner Bobblehead
Sun, June 26 Giants LED Watch
Sat, July 9 Giants Player T-Shirt (Cueto or Samardzija)
Sun, July 10 Hello Kitty Day
Wed, July 27 Giants Slumber Party
Sat, July 30 Buster Hugs Mug
Sun, July 31 Bruce Bochy Gnome
Sat, August 13 Gaylord Perry Statue Replica
Sun, August 14 Hunter Pence Solar Bobblebody
Sat, August 20 Virgin America 2-for-1 Flight Voucher
Sun, August 21 Reusable Grocery Tote
Sat, August 27 Sergio Romo Portable Speakers
Sun, August 28 Mike Krukow Bobblehead (20-win season)
Sat, Sept. 17 Fiesta Gigantes
Fri, Sept. 30 Willie Mac Award
Sat, Oct. 1 STAR WARS Day T-shirt
Sun, Oct. 2 Fan Appreciation Day

Oh, we have thoughts.

Thought #1: Good lord, I don't want to know what a Hunter Pence Solar Bobblebody is. That is a word salad with curdled dressing, and there's almost no way that giveaway won't be completely horrifying. I'm sure I'll want six.

Thought #2: The Bruce Bochy Gnome also sounds terrifying. Didn't we learn our lesson with the Tim Lincegnome?

lincecum

GAH. Gnomes are a horrible trend. Stop the gnome trend. I'm sure I'll want only five of these.

Thought #3: The Madison Bumgarner bobblehead is of him swinging a danged bat.

A silver bat, mind you. This is instantly a top-five bobblehead. The bobbleheads will be for the first 40,000 fans, which is a generous allotment that not every team hands out.

Thought #4: I don't think any of us were expecting the Matt Duffy bobblehead at this time last year. We were too busy thinking about the Yusmeiro Petit and Travis Ishikawa bobbleheads that we weren't expecting the year before that.

Thought #5: Sergio Romo portable speakers doesn't make a lot of sense as a concept, but it sure puts the "fun" in functional, and I would like to have these speakers. Maybe they're in the shape of his head.

Thought #6: The Brandon Crawford bobblehead is two designs: One of him as a Gold Glover, and one of him as a Silver Slugger. That seems cruel and unfair to us completionists, here.

Thought #7: The MLB Network is sponsoring a reusable grocery tote for the second straight year. This will help you get your groceries from the store into your home.

Thought #8: The Buster Hugs mug sounds pretty adorable. I hope they at least give one to the dude who coined the phrase.

Thought #9: Gaylord Perry is getting a statue, and they're giving away a little Gaylord Perry statue to honor him. This is all an excellent idea.

Thought #10: No, seriously, what is a Hunter Pence Solar Bobblebody, cut it out, you guys, stop that, no, no, no.

There's more than just the giveaways and promotions. There are the special events, too, listed below:

Date Event Name Giveaway Item
18-Apr Stanford Night Stanford Giants Hat
18-Apr Bay Area Unite Warriors-themed Giants Hat
19-Apr UC Berkeley Night Cal Giants Hat
20-Apr San Francisco State Night San Francisco St. Giants Hat
22-Apr San Jose St. Night San Jose St. Giants Hat
22-Apr Golf Night Julie Inkster Bobblehead
23-Apr Brewfest Complimentary Beer Tastes
25-Apr St. Mary's College Night St. Mary's Giants Hat
25-Apr Irish Heritage Night 1 Irish Giants T-Shirt
26-Apr Chinese Heritage Night Year of the Monkey Figurine
5-May Cinco de Mayo Lou Seal "Cinco de Mayo edition" Bobblehead
6-May Metallica Night "Scary Guy" collectible statue
7-May MARVEL Superheroes Day Bobblehead
9-May University of San Francisco Night USF Giants Hat
9-May Korean Heritage Night Korean Giants Drawstring Backpack
10-May Japanese Heritage Night Giants Cherry Blossom T-Shirt
20-May Orange Friday Happy Hour 1
23-May Until There's A Cure
23-May Filipino Heritage Night 1 Filipino Giants snapback hat
24-May Bruce Lee Tribute Bruce Lee Giants T-shirt
10-Jun Orange Friday Happy Hour 2
13-Jun Portuguese Heritage Portuguese Giants blanket
14-Jun Autism Awareness Night Long-sleeved Will Clark t-shirt
15-Jun Peanut Allergy Friendly Night
24-Jun LGBT Night Giants rainbow trucker hat
25-Jun Wine Fest 1 Bruce Bochy Bobblestopper
27-Jun Stitch N Pitch
8-Jul Orange Friday Happy Hour 3
10-Jul Hello Kitty Day TBA
25-Jul Firefighter Appreciation Night TBA
25-Jul Peanut Allergy Friendly Night
26-Jul Toki Doki Night "Adios/Romo" Vinyl figure
28-Jul Law Enforcement Appreciation Night Giants Belt Buckle
29-Jul Wine Fest pres. By LoCa Neoprene Giants wine bottle holder
14-Aug Girl Scout Night TBA
15-Aug Irish Heritage Night 2 Irish Giants Hat
16-Aug Native American Heritage Night Giants Scarf
17-Aug Peanut Allergy Friendly Night
18-Aug Jerry Garcia Tribute Jerry Garcia Giants hat
19-Aug Orange Friday Happy Hour 4
20-Aug Fellowship Day TBA
21-Aug Pixar Day TBA
21-Aug Boy Scout Day Commemoritive Giants Patch
26-Aug Bill Graham Tribute Bill Graham Bobblehead
26-Aug Superheroes and Comics Night 2 Bobblehead
28-Aug Gamer Day Mike Krukow sound-chip Bobblehead
30-Aug Jewish Heritage Night Jewish Giants Hat
12-Sep Union Night TBA
12-Sep Runner's Night TBA
12-Sep Step Up to the Plate TBA
13-Sep Filipino Heritage Night 2 TBA
15-Sep Italian Heritage Night TBA
16-Sep Star Trek Day TBA
17-Sep Fiesta Gigantes Tito Fuentes Bobblehead
27-Sep Polynesian Heritage Night Polynesian Giants Canvas Bag
28-Sep Mason's Night TBA (but probably a Roger Mason bobblehead)
28-Sep African American Heritage TBA
29-Sep Santa Clara University Night Santa Clara Giants Hat
29-Sep Oktoberfest TBA
1-Oct Star Wars Day Stormtrooper Bobblehead

The Star Trek day is a nice touch, and I'm looking forward to seeing which Marvel bobblehead they come up with. The Giants really are good to their nerds.

There's your free stuff! All you have to do for your free stuff is buy the not-free tickets, unless you want to spend for the free stuff on eBay, which seems like missing the point. You'll end up spending about as much as you would have on the tickets in the first place.

In conclusion, I hope the person who said, "Wait, maybe the Bumgarner bobblehead should be of him hitting" got a raise.