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The Giants are either angry, happy, or Bruce Bochy in their spring training pictures

Here are the headshots of almost everyone in Giants camp, classified by expression.

Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Pictures! We have pictures. In my photo tool, there are several pictures of Giants players. They're wearing hats. Maybe this isn't as exciting as I remember it.

Still, these pictures are all we have until the games start this week. Some of the Giants are smiling in these pictures. Some of them are snarling, literally snarling. We have to break this down and investigate which players are doing what.

First, the pictures, all taken by Kyle Terada of USA TODAY Sports.

Here's the story ...

... of a man named Bochy ...

... who was busy with 61 boys (including non-roster invitees) of his own ...

... they were 77 men (including various coaches and instructors) ...

... but they were all alone ...

... except when any of the other 77 men was nearby, which was pretty much always.

Now we get to categorize these players and coaches.

The stoic players and coaches

  • Johnny Cueto
  • Matt Cain
  • Sergio Romo
  • Madison Bumgarner
  • Brandon Crawford
  • George Kontos
  • Javier Lopez
  • Conor Gillaspie
  • Hunter Strickland
  • Ehire Adrianza
  • Chris Heston
  • Vin Mazzaro
  • Andrew Susac
  • Kyle Crick
  • George Kottaras
  • Ramiro Pena
  • Kyle Blanks
  • Jake Smith
  • Clayton Blackburn
  • Mike Broadway
  • Ryan Lollis
  • Matt Winn
  • Sam Coonrod
  • Bill Hayes
  • Roberto Kelly

These are the players and coaches who, in a past life, were told to stand motionless and still for an hour while the daguerreotype was properly exposed. Here, look at Bill Hayes:

These players and coaches cannot let you see their true emotions, whether blissful or dejected. They will not let you into their world.

The happy players and coaches

  • Hunter Pence
  • Denard Span
  • Joe Panik
  • Matt Duffy
  • Mac Williamson
  • Jarrett Parker
  • Josh Osich
  • Trevor Brown
  • Adalberto Mejia
  • Chris Stratton
  • Ty Blach
  • Gorkys Hernandez
  • Joan Gregorio
  • Ian Gardeck
  • Steven Okert
  • Derek Law
  • Ty Ross
  • Hak-ju Lee
  • Albert Suarez
  • Rando Moreno
  • Junior Arias
  • Ryder Jones
  • Taira Uematsu
  • Eli Whiteside
  • Braulio Lara
  • Christian Arroyo
  • Aramis Garcia
  • Tyler Beede
  • Ron Wotus
  • Hensley Meulens
  • Shawon Dunston
  • Mark Gardner
  • Dave Righetti

Just happy to be here. And you're not surprised by any of them. One thing to point out is the number of prospects and younger players on this list. The Giants are probably scouting the amatuer players who smile in front of cameras. Is it the new Moneyball? Probably.

I'm not sure if Matt Duffy's is a smile, to be honest, but I didn't find another smirk, so he's on the fringes. It's like he's thinking, "Pfft. I'll bet this dude doesn't even know how to hit a single to the opposite field," the entire time the picture is being set up. If I could hit like Duffy, I'd think that everywhere I went, too.

The I-wasn't-ready players

  • Buster Posey
  • Angel Pagan
  • Jake Peavy

They tried to smile, but they had to wait around for a long, long, long time. Are you ready? Are you taking the picture yet? Are you, aw, raspberries, you took the picture.

My daughter took one of these for her first-grade picture. She said the photographer gave her 457 instructions and told her to keep the smile the entire time. Posey, Peavy, and Pagan know what she's talking about.

The clearly annoyed players

  • Santiago Casilla
  • Ray Black
  • Ricky Romero
  • Chase Johnson

It's one thing to be stoic. It's another to be clearly annoyed. Can Casilla take a photo that isn't like this? Casilla cannot. For it is his duty to express mild disgust at the world around him. It is his duty as a closer.

Which means Ray Black is really coming along as the closer of the future. He has something you can't teach. Well, other than the 103-mph fastball.

The players who are actually snarling

  • Brandon Belt
  • Jeff Samardzija
  • Cory Gearrin

I'm constantly forgetting that Samardzija looks like someone photoshopped Tim Lincecum and Randy Johnson together. But that snarl will do it. It's what gives him the Randy Johnson effect.

And Cory Gearrin straight up looks like an angry British rock star.

"Oy, you call this a proper spread of food? You fink I'm about to eat soggy chips like this? Look a'it. They're all soggy and limp. Like you, you sad li'l man. 'Ave the person who replaces you get me some real food."

People as happy as Bruce Bochy

  • Bruce Bochy

It's an even year, and the pills have kicked in. Look at how happy Bruce Bochy is!


This has to mean good things.

Kelby Tomlinson

  • Kelby Tomlinson


Hunter Pence thinks that Tomlinson's intense stare is a little unsettling. We'll keep an eye out for unsettling Tomlinson pictures this year. He's an underrated staring prospect. One of the best the system has ever put out.

That's 25 stoic players and coaches, 30 happy ones, three players who weren't ready for the picture, four who were annoyed, three who were snarling, someone who was staring like Kelby Tomlinson, and Bruce Bochy being happier than any of them.

Photo day is always a delight. Look at all those baseball players in hats! Happy photo day.