Children's Letters to the Giants

Last week, the SF Giants posted on their Twitter page pictures of letters they had received from young Giants fans. These were very specific letters:

Fan mail to our GM, Bobby Evans. #WeAreListening #SFGiants pic.twitter.com/mxYDOTDTPu

— SFGiants (@SFGiants) December 9, 2016

But I always suspected there were more letters that we didn't get to see. So, I went ahead and did what any reasonable fan would and dug through AT&T Park's trash. Besides tetanus, my hands found a lot of interesting letters that were apparently deemed unworthy of a Twitter spotlight. But I've preserved them here for the only record that truly matters: the fans' record.

Everything I found was postmarked the week after the NLDS. Apparently, the game 4 loss to the Cubs traumatized a lot of youngsters in the fan base. Here now are some more letters from young Giants fans to the Giants asking -€” nay, begging -€” for salvation. They don't want a safe space from season-long bullpen meltdowns. Consider these the best of the rest:

1. A wild idea.

Man, kids have some wild imaginations. Kudos to this particular child (all kids' names omitted for privacy concerns, of course) for knowing about Willie Mays, though, and for having such an informed opinion that s/he recognizes that the Hall of Famer is a better player than the current fave. I think we'd all agree that having Willie Mays in his prime in Game 4 against the Cubs would've meant a bullpen-proof lead. And some spectacular knowledge of the region here, too. It's entirely possible that there will someday be an Uber, but for timelines.

2. Way out of line.

Kids these days! Somehow, the gross, angry troll parts of the Internet have invaded our daily lives to the point that definitely real children are parroting some of the most awful and ill-advised insults the angriest and most insecure among us have been able to come up with. Sure, Cubs fans didn't really win with dignity, and perhaps they didn't have to considering the drought, but throwing around words you don't understand? That's just wrong. Still, a fan of any age writing to their favorite squad to play better so that their friends stop owning them IRL just makes sense. It's why sports are so stupid, because they make us do really stupid things.

3. Wait a second. That's no children's letter!

Wait! Wait! ZOOM IN AND ENHANCE:

Lo and behold, an old friend has written down his grief and sent it directly to the team. There were so many other ways Michael Morse could've gone about conveying this message to the organization, but there's something heartwarming and genuine about him doing it in this awkward way. And I love that he is upset over the possibility that Hunter Pence is sad. You are beloved, Michael Morse.

4. Is everything okay at home?

I've gone back and forth on this one all week: did this obvious demon possess the child so that s/he drew it perfectly, or is the demon's presence so strong that a child with kindergarten-level drawing skills can draw only this demon like a high school freshman might? I mean:

Does Marin sit on a Hellmouth? Or is that more of a San Mateo thing? And does this demon have a catchphrase? "You're going to hell, girlfriend!" feels like it might've come out of a writers' room in the 1990s. Maybe that's where the demon comes from.

5. Say no more fam.

This one looks to have come from the same letter or at least the same family as the MELANCON letter came from in the Giants' original tweet. With a sample size of 2 letters, it's clear we should consider this kid for GM the next time the position becomes available.

Happy Holidays!