The Giants are out of the postseason. This is new. This is the first time they’ve been in the postseason, then suddenly out of it since 2003. I had hair then. Hair and a future of limitless potential in front of me. Mostly, I miss the hair.
But you might still want to watch the rest of the postseason. I don’t. They’re forcing me to. But you might. As such, we need to figure out just who to root for. It’s a power ranking! And we’ll start from the bottom.
Don’t root for the Dodgers.
9. Raw chicken that’s been sitting out for a week and force-fed to you slowly by pile of spiders writhing together in the shape of a human
Can you imagine the Dodgers winning in an even year?
8. Noah Cross from Chinatown
Tommy Lasorda on the field, smiling, as cameras approach him for his words and opinions and unchecked glee.
7. A.J. Pierzynski marrying into your family and/or stealing your spouse
It’s coming. Don’t get me wrong. The Dodgers are too good and too rich to be shut out from the World Series forever. Just not on the first even year the Giants miss, please.
Max Scherzer seems like a nice enough fellow. Let us root for him.
5. Underwear that’s way, way too tight
Like, way too tight. Also, don’t root for the Dodgers.
4. Blue Jays
It’s not that I dislike them. Not at all! Even if Toronto did try to steal the Giants in the ‘70s. It’s just that the rest of the teams have compelling reasons to root for them more.
The Blue Jays also have a weird collection of not-Giants in the bullpen: Joe Biagini, Jason Grilli, and Francisco Liriano. Boy, I’ll tell you, it sure would have been cool to have one of those guys last n
This isn’t spiteful! Well, it’s half-spiteful. I dislike how talented they are, and I’m not a fan of their "Giants-eliminating" platform. But I also enjoy having a classic team like this not win anything ever.
Is that wrong? Probably. But Aroldis Chapman is probably a goblin, and the other two teams have arguments in their favor, so I’m sticking with it.
Because of Dusty Baker, and only because of Dusty Baker. That, and I give bonus points for teams that were cool to the Giants back in the day. And the Nationals were certainly that.
[Matt Williams gives us a knowing wink]
Thanks, pal. But I’m still a Dusty Baker fan, even if he gave the ball to Russ Ortiz and took Derek Law out after only one batter. Or something.
Remember The Catch? Willie Mays going back ... back ... making the grab and firing the ball back into the infield? A black-and-white person takes his hat off in amazement. That was against the Indians, who lost that World Series. They haven’t won a World Series in all the years that followed.
They lost a World Series on a blown save in the ninth against the Marlins. Also, they’re broken. Imagine the 2010 Giants, but with Matt Cain and Jonathan Sanchez hurt. The Indians deserve our pity. They deserve our support.
Okay, fine, I wouldn’t mind the Cubs winning, either. Just bitter. It’s a tie between the Cubs and Indians. Maybe.
Edit: People are yelling at me on Twitter because Cleveland is the home of the Cavaliers, which reminds people of the fact that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals. To this point, I promise you that I don't care. The Cavaliers are as relevant to my perception of the Indians as are the Cleveland Thunderbolts of the AFL. I can keep my sports separate, you weirdos. It's why I'll root for the Pirates while hoping the Steelers fall into the core of the earth at the same time.
Additional edit: The Chief Wahoo thing? Yeah, that's a problem. On the other hand, Joe Maddon bugs me, so ...
As is, we have the Dodgers and four teams that would make Giants fans feel slightly guilty about beating in the future if they don’t win between now and then. There are four ways where we can’t lose.
And then there’s, well, the other way. Think happy thoughts, and go Max Scherzer.