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The Five Marketing Promotions the Giants Must Schedule IMMEDIATELY

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There's no time to think, Giants Promotions! You've got to get on these POST HASTE! The season's revenues are at stake!

"Look! Just beyond the railing! Customers with unspent cash!"
"Look! Just beyond the railing! Customers with unspent cash!"
Bob Stanton-USA TODAY Sports

In sports, hope is the province of fools, and I'm sure the Giants are hopeful that these fools and their money will soon be parted and deposited into the LLC's account. There are 16 home games remaining and San Francisco Baseball Associates LLC would prefer it if they were sold out. More importantly, though, since tickets aren't refundable and the team isn't going to the postseason, there's a chance that they have 16 sellouts but still fall short of their revenue projections for this quarter.

Because of the unsold merchandise and concessions, of course.

And the Giants, see, need every last penny they can get if they hope to re-sign Ryan Vogelsong and nab Doug Fister and Gavin Floyd in free agency. So, they need to figure out a way to rope in the suckers who will actually pass through the turnstiles and spend the rest of their hard-earned cash on Giants-branded paraphernalia and garlic-branded food products, and the best way to do that is with a GIVEAWAY DAY.

Yes, The Giveaway Day, every Marketing Department's Tinder profile pic. There's nothing sexier to a consumer loyal fan than the promise of free crap team-branded collectibles. Here are the remaining special event/giveaways for the 2015 season as of September 1st (via sfgiants.com):

  1. September 12 - LEGO Day
  2. September 14 - Step Up to the Plate
  3. September 15 - Filipino Heritage Night 2
  4. September 16 - World Champions Belt Buckle
  5. September 18 - Polynesian Heritage Night
  6. September 30 - Oktoberfest
  7. October 2 - African American Heritage Night / Willie Mac Award
  8. October 3 - Star Wars Night / Star Wars Bobblehead
  9. October 4 - Fan Appreciation Day
That means there are 7 potential giveaway dates (September 11, 13, 19, 20, 28, 29, and October 1st) just waiting to have something given on them by the Giants. But let's crucible this down to 5 pure ideas, meaning we only need 5 of these dates. A giveaway on the 11th is in poor taste, so that's out, and yeah, a Saturday afternoon game sells itself (which is also the thinking behind all those vacant Dodgers dates, most likely), so, September 19 is out as well.

So then, here now are the 5 promotions the San Francisco Giants MUST do THIS season, including a full description, thinking behind the promotion, and a scouting report on how things will play on the secondary markets (because collecting things with resale value also drives attendance interest).

1. Matt Duffy Rookie of the Year Campaign Night sponsored by 20th Century Fox - Special Event & Giveaway

Oh yeah? And when would this all happen, smart guy?
Sunday, September 13

What's in the box?!?!?
The first 20,000 fans will receive a Matt Duffy shirsey with a QR code attached that they scan to receive a digital download of the 1993 feature film, ROOKIE OF THE YEAR, starring Thomas Ian Nicholas, Daniel Stern, and John Candy.

In addition, as part of the special event, the Giants will try to strike oil again by recreating the trailer (I would really like to hear Mike Murphy curse, "Funky butt-lovin'--"). And then, Thomas Ian Nicholas (who looks like this now and has transitioned from acting to music) will throw out the first pitch.

Why???
Matt Duffy is a strong NL Rookie of the Year candidate. Play it up. Desperately grasp at straws to tie in something familiar to really bring the point home.

Secondary markets?
You could definitely use footage of this for sfgiants.com and the SF Giants channel on Virgin Airlines or even on CSN Bay Area. Doubtful people would be selling the QR code for a 22-year old movie.


2. Madison Bumgarner WS Starter Kit - Giveaway

Oh yeah? And when would this all happen, smart guy?
Sunday, September 20 (Part 1)

What's in the box?!?!?
The first 10,000 fans will receive a nice leather bag (think a leather toiletry bag) with the Giants' logo on it. Inside: a voucher to receive a replica Croix de Candlestick, half of a 16 piece puzzle of a shirtless Buster Posey, and 1 SF sock and 1 SF Bumgarner shirsey (which is the official voucher for part II of the giveaway).

Why???
This will honor Madison Bumgarner's dominance while at the same time becoming the first-ever promotion CLIFFHANGER. Fans will be compelled to by tickets to Part II to finish off the items they received. Always keep them wanting more.

Secondary markets?
Need to get the second piece of it in order for the whole thing to work. The second piece will be its own giveaway... the fans could items on eBay for ridiculous prices. Giants could sell some of these items separately *after* the event. Also at a ridiculous markup.


3. Clayton Kershaw Night sponsored by Clayton Theatre Company (which is located in Walnut Creek for some reason!) - Special Event & Giveaway

Oh yeah? And when would this all happen, smart guy?
Monday, September 28

What's in the box?!?!?
The first 20,000 fans will receive an autographed poster featuring every Giants player to have homered off of Clayton Kershaw -- Bengie Molina, Juan Uribe, Chris Stewart, Brett Pill, Melky Cabrera, Buster Posey, Brandon Hicks, Madison Bumgarner.

But in addition, the pre-game festivities (this is a special event, after all) will feature an elaborate tableau of these home runs featuring the soundtrack of Giants broadcasters and performed by players from the Clayton Theatre Company (which, again, is *not* located in Clayton, CA).

Following that, there will be a 15-minute Roast of Clayton Kershaw. The roastmaster will be local favorite Greg Proops. Another famous Giants fan, Kevin Pollak, will do impressions of other comedians to fill out most of the dais (in extremely Christopher Walken voice: "Your face... looks like... a goof."), but then you could also have recently retired players or maybe even a fan or two get up there and pump out a couple of (clean) jokes at the perpetual Cy Young's expense.

Why???
Clayton Kershaw is scheduled to start on September 28. There's a non-zero chance that the game could have some meaning. But given the Giants' historical track record against Kershaw, a roast seems like the best (and only) way to get some hits against him. It's all in good fun and the fans deserve some joy before he brings the pain through 7 innings of shutout ball with 12 strikeouts.

Secondary markets?
That roast will live online in infamy. MLB.com, SFGiants.com, YouTube. Could strip it for the other syndicated streams. So, a lot of digital revenue for the organization. Fans could also throw the poster on eBay as well. Would definitely become a collectible.


4. Madison Bumgarner WS Relief Kit - Giveaway

Oh yeah? And when would this all happen, smart guy?
Tuesday, September 29 (Part 2)

What's in the box?!?!?
The first 10,000 fans will bucket (like one you'd find on Bumgarner's farm). Inside: a replica Croix de Candlestick (provided you have the voucher from Part 1 of the promotion), half of a 16 piece puzzle of a shirtless Buster Posey (which, if you have the first part of you can combine and never leave your room), and 1 SF sock to complete the pair and then, if you have the Bumgarner shirsey, you get the bottom of the outfit -- 1 pair of official Mad Bum underwear.

Why???
This will honor Madison Bumgarner's dominance while at the same time becoming the first-ever promotion CLIFFHANGER. Fans will be compelled to by tickets to Part II to finish off the items they received. Always keep them wanting more.

Secondary markets?
The Mad Bum underwear can fetch a pretty penny, clean or not. Also, that shirtless Buster Posey puzzle... who wouldn't want to solve that (with cash!)?


5. Marlon Byrd Bath sponsored by Orchard Supply Hardware & ACES Baseball Agency (Giveaway) - Giveaway

Oh yeah? And when would this all happen, smart guy?
Thursday, October 1st

What's in the box?!?!?
First 10,000 fans will receive a Marlon Byrd bath, dummy.

Why???
Byrd's option will vest, so the Byrd hats are a given, so, just ramp that up next season and instead go for luxury. Again, you want to draw in the big spenders so they'll come for the giveaway and then drop $100+ for merchandise because they think they saved a lot of money getting the expensive giveaway.

Here's a true artist's rendition:
Marlon Byrdbath

Secondary markets?
Ohhh you betcha. Who wouldn't want famous Giant Marlon Byrd in their backyard entertaining the birds?