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A history of the Giants' July 4 uniforms

And hats. Mostly hats, really.

The star is because this article is special!
The star is because this article is special!
Denis Poroy/Getty Images

Tomorrow is July 4, and you know what that means: today is July 3!

What a hilarious joke. You come here for jokes, and I give you amazing jokes. Good deal.

It also means that the Giants will be wearing special uniforms to honor America and the troops and the smash hit off-Broadway show Troopsmerica, about a young baseball player eating apple pie all across America as he decides whether to enlist as a troops (Spoiler alert: He does). These special uniforms should not be confused with the special Memorial Day uniforms, which exist for the very different purpose of exactly the same thing.

So what have these Fourth of July uniforms looked like over the last decade? Well gosh, I have some pictures to show you! Good thing, too, or this introduction would have been the entire article, and that wouldn't have been satisfying at all.



Woody! Hi, Woody! Note the flag patch on the side of his hat. That's it. Simple. Easy. Gets the point across without a ton of fuss. Makes sense.



Why, that's underrated Good Giant Ray Durham. And while you can't see the flag patch especially well, you can see that there is a patch on his hat and it seems kinda flaggish, so sure. Another flag patch. Why not?



Okay, now these patches are getting really hard to see. Maybe...maybe we need another strategy. A more patriotic, Americish strategy.



Aaaaaand the hat is blue. Why is the hat blue? Because that's one of the colors in the flag, silly! In case you don't believe me, then just think: Red, white, and blue. The very same blue that's on the hats! See how this works? It's very well thought-out.



Okay, look, I dunno. I couldn't find any other pictures from that game. It would, uh, appear that there's a patch on Randy Winn's jersey though. Maybe that's the thing? That's probably not the thing. I don't know.

Now you're making me feel like a fraud, so let's move on.



Here we go. Now we're really starting to get into the horrific changes. That white cap that Guillermo Mota is wearing has no earthly business being on the head of a San Francisco Giant, especially since there was a flag inside the logo. What is that? What is all of that?



This is basically the same as the 2010 cap, except there's now red around the back too. It's like an old Expos hat, if it was suffused with a pandering patriotism and it didn't have that cool logo with an M and an E and a B to stand for "Mount Everest Blows." French Canadians really don't like mountain climbing, you guys.



The SF logo is camouflaged, and I can't see it at all! The money that Bill Neukom spent on that technology sure was worth it, because now you can put anything you want there and no one will ever know. Sandpaper? Sure! Pine tar? Of course! A wiffle ball that you can sub out for the baseball at any point, only to replace it whenever the umpire approaches? Perhaps!

I'm not saying the Giants won the 2012 World Series because they cheated, unless that's a hot enough take that it'll get me thousands of pageviews, in which case I am totally saying that. Quote me and call others, guys! Let's get me famous.


There was a rainout! See:

BUT if the Giants did play, they would have worn special hats, and here's what they would have looked like:




Man, what is that star? Who thought that would be a good idea? Whoever it was, I would kindly ask you to do something else with your life. Thank you for your consideration.


We've got more than one! Just for fun, let's start out by taking a look at AAA Sacramento's uniforms for the day:


The tricorn hat is presumably not part of the official uniform, but as I did not personally design these uniforms, I couldn't tell you for sure.

Now, this is what the Giants uniforms will look like:


One assumes that Buster Posey's name and number will not be on every jersey, but let's not rule anything out. It's legal if you field an entire team of Buster Clones, which, and let's be honest here, is the Giants' ultimate endgame.

And here is the hat design:


It's got an American flag in the background, but I think we could do one better. Let's have the flag be wrapped around a bald eagle. If that's not enough for you, I totally understand, but remember, we need room for this hat to improve for several years. So in the future, maybe the eagle and flag are on the Washington Monument, and maybe the next year Thomas Jefferson is there too. The possibilities are endless, unless your list of Things That Are Super American runs out, in which case the possibilities are pretty limited.

Sorry to get your hopes up there. At least you saw some damned American clothes. Good for you. I hope that makes you happy.