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Dodgers trading for Mat Latos, Michael Morse

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Physicists warned of a likable-unlikable singularity. The Dodgers ignored their screams.

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Somewhere in the bowels of Dodger Stadium, where it smells like burnt truffula trees and the stuff between Tommy Lasorda's toes, the real Dodgers front office operates. Forget Friedman and Zaidi -- we're talking an entire shadow government of terrifying monsters. And they had a plan to break our brains.

That is, a two-fer. The Dodgers now have:

1.
The most unlikable player in baseball, an enormous thumb with a scowly face drawn on it, sticking out of a jersey and saying something dumb. Not coincidentally, this thumb-demon also happens to dominate the Giants.

You know.

Wait for it.

In the regular season.

latos

When the Dodgers acquired Shane Victorino, it almost felt like this. This is worse. By which, I mean better? I can't tell if it's fun to have these hated players in their natural habitat, or if it's just too much. Feels like this is too much hate, like we keep saying the safe word and no one is listening.

2.
The most likable player in baseball, perhaps. A goofy puppy of a giant, who used to be a goofy puppy of a Giant. He's besties with everyone.

Oh, no. I have to change my pinned tweet. And my Twitter background.

morse

Our only salvation is that Morse did not choose this, like Juan Uribe, who "made the best decision for himself and his family" like a monster. This was thrust upon Morse.

The Dodgers have done it. The shadow cabal under Dodger Stadium has really done it. This had a name, like Project Omega, and it is the first stage of something even more awful.

It is up to the pure of heart among us, possibly wearing catcher's gear, to act as the hero in this dark hour. Also, I've seen enough Hollywood movies to expect Morse to sabotage the star-devouring laser from the inside after an Act III epiphany.

Mat Latos is on the Dodgers. This is fate. This is destiny. This is the kind of twist you find in the best video game sequels.

Michael Morse is on the Dodgers. This is awful. This is no good. This is a dumb twist in a sequel that should never have happened.

As for the baseball parts of the deal? Morse will be on the bench, mostly. The Dodgers will have him next year choke sob at above-market prices, which is probably part of the cost of the deal. They'll give up prospects, but they won't be especially heralded prospects because of that. Latos will be a free agent after this season. It'll help the Dodgers, but perhaps it signals that they aren't getting Cole Hamels or someone similar. Still. It's gross. And amusing in its grossness.

Congratulations, Dodgers cabal. You've figured out the most hilariously awful trade to keep us up at night.