Have you ever noticed that sometimes, when pitchers throw baseballs, they make funny faces due to the enormous amount of effort and concentration it takes to be good at throwing baseballs? It's true! But of everyone who's pitched for the Giants this year, who makes the funniest face? Let's rank!
17. Jake Peavy
He just looks like a determined guy. No silly face contortions here. Jake Peavy doesn't have time for those, because they are neither pitching baseballs nor yelling wildly on the mound.
16. Josh Osich
There's a little bit of deformation here, it looks like, but on the whole that's mostly just Osich's face. It's a good thing we don't evaluate pitching prospects based on pitcherface, because if we did, we would be awful at evaluating pitching prospects.
15. George Kontos
Stop being so damn handsome, George. Really makes things difficult for the rest of us.
14. Ryan Vogelsong
I agonized over the placement of Vogey and the next guy on the list. There were a lot of similarities in their styles, but in the end I had to give the edge to the young guy with the fresher stuff. Sorry, Ryan. I hope you don't flare your nostrils at me in anger.
13. Chris Heston
Heston doesn't look hugely funny here, but he's doing some good cheek work that makes him look like a totally different person. Kinda Jonathan Sanchez-y.
12. Sergio Romo
It's tough to see them under the shadow of the cap, but what really makes this one work is Romo's bugged out eyes. The puffy cheeks are a good touch too, but I wish we could see the eyes a little better.
11. Tim Lincecum
And now for something completely different. That's a reference to a thing that many people on the Internet like! I feel so proud to be making references.
Lincecum's utter calm is a refreshing contrast to the intensity or contortions of everyone else on the list. He looks more like he's disappointed in his buddy who brought a 24-pack of Natty Light to the party than a man about to throw a baseball.
10. Hunter Strickland
Puffy cheeks! The fun things about those is that they make any white guy in the world look at least a little like Jason Schmidt.
9. Yusmeiro Petit
Chinstrap beards may not be a "good" look for anyone at any point ever, but I sure do appreciate Petit's for the sake of this exercise. Also, I guess I should note that it's possible that some of these faces aren't consistent on every pitch. This might be Petit's "I'm about to throw a curveball!" face instead of his "I'm about to throw a pitch!" face. No matter. We move on, and hope that history will not judge us too harshly.
8. Javier Lopez
Lopez just looks goofy here! He's like a guy making silly faces at his 3-year-old niece in order to get her to laugh, which I wholeheartedly appreciate.
7. Mike Broadway
There aren't that many great photos of Broadway, but he has an excellent lip purse going here, as well as what appear to be tiger stripes on his neck. Is it wrong to use the neck when talking about pitcherface? Maybe, but we press on nevertheless, as we are pioneers and visionaries.
6. Jeremy Affeldt
Jeremy Affeldt looks like a man making a thunderous fake fart noise, and I love him for it.
5. Santiago Casilla
Santiago Casilla looks like a man in a job interview desperately trying not to release a thunderous fart, and I love him for it.
4. Jean Machi
These are the puffiest cheeks I have ever seen. They are delightful. Not delightful enough for me to want Jean Machi back on the team, but still delightful.
3. Madison Bumgarner
This is perhaps an upset – I'm sure many of you expected the classic "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF" face to take top honors. But while they are a very fun and well-known look, they don't have quite the hilarity quotient in the two true greats at the top of the list. It's too bad, too. I know Bumgarner is really lacking in accolades given out over the past year.
2. Tim Hudson
OH GOD OH GOD DON'T GO IN THE HAUNTED BASEMENT THAT'S WHERE THE KILLER IS
OH GOD OH GOD THE LIGHT DOESN'T WORK GET OUT OF THERE YOU IDIOTS GET OUT
OH COME ON HE'S RIGHT THERE HE'S RIGHT THERE NEXT TO THE PENTAGRAM YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE GONE INTO HELL HOUSE WHY DID YOU GO IN WHY I TOLD YOU NOT TO WHY DON'T YOU MOVIE PEOPLE EVER LISTEN TO ME
1. Matt Cain
A picture very similar to this one that I used in this article is what inspired this whole project, and I'm glad it did because now I can say this wholly sincerely: Matt Cain is an inspiration, and without him I would be a lesser person.