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How Padres are the first round draftees?

Because going back to the joke well is always a good idea

This is from last year, but, eh, close enough
This is from last year, but, eh, close enough
Rich Schultz/Getty Images

A few years ago, I evaluated every member of the Padres' 40-man roster on the basis of "How Padres is his name?" where the Padreness of a name increased with the likelihood that when seeing a name, you immediately think "He's a rich asshole who goes to some prep school for assholes and will later attend, like, Brown, AKA Asshole City." Well, it seems that there are a lot of people out there who can be future Padres, and not just because AJ Preller will trade for literally everyone in baseball within the next year. Even the first round of the draft was filled with young players with Padre potential. Let's take a look!

1. Diamondbacks – Dansby Swanson

Odds that he will be on the Padres at some point in his career: Very high.

Dansby. DANSBY. DAAAANNNSSSSBYYYYY. dansbydansbydansby DANSBY.

That's not even a first name. That's a series of sounds that some rich lady decided was neat, so she named her kid that, and then didn't vaccinate him. Dansby. Jesus Christ.

2. Astros – Alex Bregman

Padre odds: Low

Good for you, Alex. You don't need to be part of this trend. Just Say No to the Padres.

3. Rockies – Brendan Rodgers

Padre odds: High

Oh yeah. Here's the classic Padre two first names. His parents threw the D in there (TWSS) to throw us off, but we all know that Roger Brendan is an excellent second baseman who is terrible against the rest of the league, but when he goes up against the Giants, he just Aokis them to death.

4. Rangers – Dillon Tate

Padre odds: Very high

Dillon Tate seems like the name of a guy who would bully you for your lunch money while totally ignoring the bag lunch in front of you. "I don't have any money, Dillon," you say. "And I already finished my lunch. Just like every other day" Not knowing what else to do with himself, he kicks your chair out from under you, and laughs with his friends. Secretly, though, he knows he didn't really win. That's your small victory. Cherish it.

5. Astros – Kyle Tucker

Padre odds: Moderate

Kyle's a good first name, and Tucker's fine as a last name, but it's too ordinary. The parents who name their kids want them to stand out solely through their names, and Kyle Tucker just doesn't cut it.

6. Twins – Tyler Jay

Padre odds: Very high

Tyler Jay will be traded to the Padres as soon as is humanly possible. The Padres will move heaven and earth to find every low-strikeout pitcher in their system to send over in the trade. They cannot let him get away. It would simply be a mockery of everything they hold dear.

7. Red Sox – Andrew Benintendi

Padre odds: Low


8. White Sox – Carson Fulmer

Padre odds: High

Carson is an excellent first name here, and it fits well with Fulmer to give that somewhat aristocratic feel that's so key to this whole enterprise.

9. Cubs – Ian Happ

Padre odds: Moderate

Ian is already a pretty good name, but if he went the extra mile and pronounced it "Eye-un" instead of the more common "Ee-un," his star would rocket up. Was that a mixed metaphor? It was, dang it. I should work on a way to attach rockets to a star so that I feel better about my metaphors.

10. Phillies – Cornelius Randolph

Padre odds: There is literally nothing that has ever been more certain in the history of the world.

I could write a dissertation on how Cornelius Randolph is the world's most perfect Padre name (apologies to Clayton Richard). That would, however, take lots of hours and days and years, and for this article to be topical, I have to skip that. Just know that paeans will be written to the Padreness of this name. Empires will rise and fall and cities will turn to dust, but the legend of The Name Than Which There Can Be No More Padre will endure until the end of time.

11. Reds – Tyler Stephenson

Padre odds: High

This isn't an especially unique name, but it's common in the right way. Tyler is trendy enough, and Stephenson a common name that's not too common, that you could totally see a Tyler Stephenson sitting behind you during AP Bio.

12. Marlins – Josh Naylor

Padre odds:Very low

Not a lot to say here. Clearly no Padre potential whatsoever.

13. Rays – Garrett Whitley

Padre odds: Moderate

Garrett seems like a slam dunk here, but honestly, it's just not that strong. Kinda a paper tiger, Padre-wise. Surprisingly, it's Whitley that carries this name as far as it can go.

14. Braves – Kolby Allard

Padre odds: Very High

Colby with a C would have rated well too. But throwing in a deliberate misspelling? Oh, man, welcome to Padre City, population You.

15. Brewers – Trenton Clark

Padre odds: High

Extra geography points for Trenton Clark! Using things that shouldn't be first names as first names is a surefire path to success here, and then following the feeling of "Oh, that's a first name" with the quotidian Clark . . . it's clever. It's clever and I like it.

16. Yankees – James Kaprielian

Padre odds: Low

Kaprielian just doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. It's not a projectable name. Minus Padre potential here.

17. Indians – Brady Aiken

Padre odds: High

Due to his injury history and electric stuff, his Padre career would be very similar to Josh Johnson's or Mark Prior's. Let's all hope it never comes to that, unless he's a jerk or something, in which case, whatever.

18. Giants – Phil Bickford

Padre odds: Low

Giants fans can breathe a sigh of relief. Phil is just not a very elitist name. Bickford's okay in the right circumstances – a Blake Bickford could really shine here – but as a whole, the package is just not very Padre.

19. Pirates – Kevin Newman

Padre odds: Low

It's just uncreative on both ends. That would never fly at Exeter.

20. Athletics – Richie Martin

Padre odds: Moderate

Now, if there were assurances that he would be known as Richie for his entire pro career, then sure, this would be another Low. But the off chance that he'll wake up one day and decide he should be known as Richard is very worrisome. We must stay vigilant.

21. Royals – Ashe Russell

Padre odds: High

This was almost a Very High, but my one concern is that the Padres are known for taking players missing a letter in their first names, such as Mat Latos or Wil Myers. But Ashe Russell has an additional letter in his first name. How could he? That's the opposite of how it works.

22. Tigers – Beau Burrows

Padre odds: Very high

Alliteration is always a good way to ascent Mount Padre Name, and Beau Burrows can not only claim that distinction, but he also has a fairly unusual first name. This is how people get ahead in the world, you know.

23. Cardinals – Nick Plummer

Padre odds: Moderate

There's nothing wrong with Nick Plummer as a Padre name, but he's really the kind of guy who'd be on the Padres for a year or two, and then go somewhere else, and then you'd totally forget he was ever on the Padres. He's a lot like Jody Gerut or Randy Wolf. It's like, what's even the point of this?

24. Dodgers – Walker Buehler

Padre odds: High

He loses some points for Buehler, which isn't terrible but is more of an '80s Chicago public school kind of thing, but Walker is a good, solid Padre first name.

25. Orioles – D.J. Stewart

Padre odds: Very low

Look, I'm not saying that there's nobody with a name like DJ Stewart in any prep schools in America. But if you saw that name on an attendance sheet, wouldn't you wonder if you were being pranked? I know I would.

26. Angels – Taylor Ward

Padre odds: Very high

And the Angels take us out on a high note. Both halves here have Name Placement Ambiguity – it can easily be flipped to Ward Taylor without losing any inherent Padreness – and, God, that name makes me want to punch him in the face. In real terms, I don't actually want to, just to be clear; this man will soon be a professional athlete and also name-based punching is wrong, but that name . . . it's so preppy. It's so, so Padres.